"Now," he whispered, "I deliver death."
That is where I broke, the preceding battle, culminating in this cliffhanger, wore me down. I am a binger by heart and habit, and despite spending the last year or so practicing portion control (of all kinds) dutifully reading slowly, able to experience multiple works and to read them more deeply for the pacing, I decided to indulge this once. IDK If I'll do so again, but for just this once, follow this first-timer's unjaded eyes through their breathless, awe-stricken, confused sprint across the last ninety pages of this book. Without further ado...

Epigraph

An excerpt from Faces of Darujhistan written by Maskral Jemre. The gods of Darujhistan and their faces will play extensive roles symbolically throughout the impending climax. It briefly describes the ceremonies we'll see in passing through various characters, and there's something haunting about receiving a glimpse of how the festivities ought to go and what it is that they mean.
Also, if this is the passing of winter to spring, where is Gennebakis, exactly? If the top of the continent is tundra, then Darujhistan would be much further south, (which we know) so somewhere similar to North America? Is Darujhistan in Texas?

Chapter 20

The chapter that broke me, one near unbearable buildup of pressure before the dam breaks. Here, it all begins to unfold.

Epigraph

An excerpt of T'Matha's Children by Heboric. It mentions the "the matron's//blood like ice" This feels like an allusion to the goddess of Darkness, with the Tiste Andii being cold, and all. Beyond that, it "brought light into dark and dark into light" so given the alleged history between Light and Dark, that works. Was this perhaps the creation of the Warren of Shadow? In which case, the "children of chaos" would be... the Hounds? Who knows!

The Chapter Itself

Murillio is off to confront Kruppe, musing on the turning of the Cycle of the Age. The Year of the Five Tusks, which we've been constantly reminded it is, is now giving way to the Year of the Moon's Tears. The names bear significance according to the Seers, with the god Tennerock's tusks, Hate, Love, Laughter, War, and Tears, signifying the nature of the coming Years. The device was a gift by some guy named Icarium, whom Mammot believes to be of Jaghut blood. Evidently, the Jaghut were skilled in mechanical prowess and possibly gifted enough to predict a thousand years ahead. Moon's Spawn has arrived, after all.
He collides with Kruppe, who drops a series of masks. The rotund mage informs his dear friend that his other ear friend, Lady Simtal, has invited him to attend the Fête. That they've never met is ironic, but irrelevant to Magnanimous Kruppe, friend to all. This whole interaction is fantastic, with Kruppe dropping many distractions, such as his mentioning five strangers without naming the fourth, or a series of cantrips, while Murillio dodges them as best he can. He confronts Kruppe point blank about being Lady Simtal disguised the Eel. Kruppe sighs, and modifies the courtier's memory, buying himself free reign for the night.
As Baruk waits for the Eel, he discusses attending the fête with Anomander Rake, who as elected to attend as the High Alchemist's +1. Many members of the Council and the T'orrud Cabal will be in attendance, and Rake wants an opportunity to meet/observe his allies. It'll also put him in the epicenter of the most likely place of Convergence on Genabakis. Rake learns of the new year's title, and correctly guesses Icarium's involvement, as he's evidently produced similar wheels elsewhere. This has quite a few implications, given that this person is evidently traveling with at least one god. They receive news that the Eel will reveal himself to them that night, (although Baruk as much as gives away that he's guessed the truth) as well as Mammot's recovery. The High Preist of D'Riss was able to get away with minimal difficulty and casually mentions that he's aware of the drama surrounding the Coin Bearer. He is also a member of the T'orrud Babal. Rake, asks whether Mammot will be attending the Fête, and then leaves abruptly. If only Baruk had read further into the odd departure.
Adjunct Lorn finally arrives at Worry Gate, witnessing the ritual mentioned in the Book's opening epigraph and being briefly noted by a guard. That guard is Circle Breaker, watching for the Adjunct for the Eel. Once done, he manages to trade a shift to be at the Fête himself. Interestingly, he tells the guard next to him his name, which we do not ever get to know (at least not in GotM)
Lorn enters a bar, and stumbles upon the Bridgeburners. Fiddler is running one of his games, which we get to see more fully here. The game is played with a Deck and depicts the scene in the Gadrobi Hills where Paran met Rake. Tattersail did believe the Sapper to be a Tallent, after all. The game ends predicting Lorn's death, this reading is affirmed by the orb. Whiskeyjack arrives and catches up Lorn with a modified version of events, including their loss of Sorry. Lorn comes to the realization that this man had debated tactics with Dassem Ultor, so there's not much she can do to break him. She asks the name of the estate and announces she will return in two hours, without dropping anything off.
Crokus and Apsalar watch the revelry escalate down below them. They discuss their plans for the evening, the thief growing ever more conflicted about his feelings. Apsalar mentions something within her holding her sanity together. It seems Rigga remains at work. Serrat, meanwhile, creeps up the steps below, comically over-warded and utilizing an abundance of caution. She's immediately thwarted by a mysterious someone, threatening with enough force on behalf of "the Prince" to drop the hunt against the Coin Bearer, with a comical pop, she disappears.
In an age of wind and barren stone, a Jaghut and his mother wander the land, scattered as all their people, thwarting the potential of collected power. A self-imposed Babel, of sorts. The child, young by Jaghut standards, grows observing the powers of the winds shape and mould the earth to their liking. He takes after this, destroying his horrified mother in the process. He starts with lone Jaghut, but they resist or else escape him, brief satisfaction, but not enough. He takes to subjugating the beasts, the winds, the earth, the plants. The earth resists and bucks the subversion of its evolved order, yet not without the death of countless species. Then he meets the Imass, thinking creatures like the Jaghut, yet comically short-lived. These he can use, confounding them in cycles of invention, war, loss, discovery, rediscovery, rediscovery, rediscovery. They invent for themselves a god at the head of all things, and he fancies it to be himself, they discover tyranny of all forms for themselves, and he laughs. A True First Empire, a gathering of minds subjugated under an unbreakable bond. Tool's history proves backward. Then come the Jaghut, unified under a force so great that it tears through even this great Tyrant like paper, and Raest was subjugated, killed, and depowered. A barrow erected, a hemisphere frozen over for good measure. In the intervening years, the T'Lan Imass gather power of their own and wage genocide against the very Titans who were their salvation. Two enter the barrow, the threadbare mind of the once-god coalesces, he is freed, his Finnest stolen. With a concussive force, Raest, the First Emperor of Man, Jaghut Tyrant, steps into a new world.
High above, the Crone watches him emerge as four Black Soultaken Dragons and the Red Dragon Silanah, fly in to stop the monster. We get some old language of some sort, possibly Jaghut? "Dragnipurake" is of course the name of the Sword plus the suffix -Rake, "Draconiaes" seems to refer to, well, dragons, "t'na" is a conjunction of some sort? And finally, Eleint, which is whatever the Dramatis Personae names Silanah. Crone flies high, ready to watch the show unfold.
Raest emerges, and casually injures Burn on his way out, nuking a range of hills in the process. He considers waking her as well. This is a walking apocalyptic event, and our dear Anomander opted to join a party. He notices the dragons, and Holy Moly the fight that ensues is great. I'd mention highlights but that'd just be a beat-by-beat. He offers the Soletaken Tiste Andii to join him, but they refuse. Also of note, he calls Silanah a "Tiem." He rebuffs their initial assault and, telekinetically holding his body together, prepares to deliver death.

Chapter 21

A Chapter in two halves, beginning with our principal cast all filling into their positions for the climax, making last-minute pivots and discoveries. It ends with the fulfillment of the revenge plot against Lady Simtal and Turban Orr, and what a fulfillment it is! If only we don't feel so hollow afterwards.

Epigraph

An excerpt of Anomandris which is, interestingly enough, written by Fisher, the Rumor Born guy. Also, this is like the first bit of Anomandris we've seen since Tattersail and Calot tag-teamed a quotation in Ch. 2 (which also mentions it was written by Fisher, lol) and seems to recount the initial arrival of the dragons. First contact between the dragons and Tiste Andii? Who knows! (Actually, quite a few people probably know at this point)

The Chapter Itself

Lorn buries the Finnest in the garden at Simtal's estate. She observes the bustling crowds and almost breaks down at the sight. So much life reminds her of the many cities she's infiltrated before. The recollection of humanity becomes a cacophony, no one life worth any more than the millions around them. The Adjunct breaks at this, and Lorn has to will herself to don the persona again, with Sorry out of the picture, only the Coin Bearer remains. With her last chance to bail out behind her, the Adjunct begins moving towards her failure and death, foretold with certainty by the unwitting Tallent of Fiddler.
Meanwhile, in the Phoenix Inn, the Eel contemplates his next moves, whilst failing to button his coat. He decides that it is time for Circle Breaker to retire, for his own safety. He suspects that someone other than himself has been protecting the Coin Bearer, while the path to ultimate safety for the boy remains elusive. Most concerningly, the patterns in his head end tonight, the outcome of this Convergence is undecided.
Crokus and Apsalar, meanwhile, leave the Temple for the Fête. To the northeast, a "storm" of low rumbling thunder and ochre clouds builds and grows ever closer. As the thief is led down from the tower by Aps, he has another internal crisis. He really doesn't know Challice, and Apsalar's constant ease within his presence is confounding. Dude, she literally took a name axiomatically aligned with your life, take a hint.
The Captain of Simtal's guards berates the Bridgeburnurs for not all being Barghast, but agrees to pay them anyways. He stations them near the garden, as it's recently gotten a bit overgrown, and instructs them to steer the crowds away. Quick Ben and Mallet update Whiskeyjack on the encroaching Tyrant, and they agree to play things by ear if the monster gets any nearer.
Kalam and Paran leave the Phoenix Inn, not after the assassin makes a major threat to Scurve to, by any means necessary contact the city's Master of Assasins with their offer. They leave to find the Adjunct and put her to rest. Kalam takes note of the Greyfaces and begins to be bothered by their movements, for some reason.
Baruk arrives with Rake at the Fête. Despite the encroaching threat, the Tiste Andii seems unbothered, relaxed even. Turban Orr watches the two arrive with Lady Simtal. The Alchemist's mask is barely sufficient. Both a denial and an admission of secret power, depending on the viewer. Rake's mask is of a smug black and silver dragon. I've said it before and I'll say it again, Anomander Rake is That Guy. Still love him, though. The Councilman introduces himself and is introduced in turn to Lord Anomander Rake. The scene plays out humorously, with Orr unaware of how wildly out of his league he is, but does contain one odd detail. Rake, despite running Moon's Spawn, considers his title to be honorary, given by his people. Murillio and Rallick, begrudgingly aware of Kruppe's perfect mask choices, watch the High Alchemist and the Councilman converse, then nearly have an aneurysm over Kruppe (whom they were just praising) and his shenanigans. Kruppe, wearing the mask of a cherub slightly less innocent than himself (although not nearly so clever) bumbles his way toward Baruk and Rake, the latter of whom displays incredulity over this possibly being the Eel. Wise and discerning Kruppe the First notes Rake's nature as an inhuman Lord from high above, and a dragon. Of course, this is all a misunderstanding, and he apologizes, betrays himself as an eel of sorts, and leaves to inspect the kitchen.
Turban Orr, meanwhile, finds himself unable to enjoy the party. The last two weeks have exhausted him, all his plans confounded, and his spy still unfound. He, at last, discovers Circle Breaker, in a chance passing, but is intercepted by a man in a Trake mask. The man practically insists on insulting the Councilman, and Orr, his temper ratcheted up by the past several days, decides to indulge his wrath on this peon. Orr calls for a duel, politically selecting Councilman D'Arle as his second. Meanwhile, Murillio draws deep on his well of suave and seduces Simtal in record time. The duel will go uninterrupted. Down by the terrace, Baruk contemplates interceeding, but declines. Curiously, he considers Rallick his closest friend, explaining the Otataral gift, but it is a shame we never go to see the two interact, there's a story there. Rake offers to be RN's second, and my hype has hit yet another threshold. Here is where I leave my desk for a mandated break, I'm not the sort of person who eats and reads, so I'm mentally cussing the entire way there and back. Baruk meets Mammot on his way to the duel and notes the scholar's accurate Jaghut mask; although Mammot recognizes minute flaws in the design, Baruk thinks nothing of this. Stranger still, despite Oppon's luck drawing Crokus to the party, it is also keeping him away from his uncle.
The Bridgeburners watch everyone filter out into the courtyard by the garden, watching the preparations for the duel. Though they notice Rake, this doesn't amount to much. Quick Ben updates the group on their timetable with the Tyrant, and they make preparations to blast the estate then the city.
Crokus finds Challice; without a method of reaching her at the moment he is distracted by the duel. Kruppe, finds the boy and nabs him while passing a note off to Circle Breaker. The note grants Circle Breaker the right to retire, as well as land and a title in the city of Dhavran (the map shows this to be along the western bank of Lake Azur) as thanks for being the Eel's most trusted servant. The circle is mended (whatever that means, there seems to be a story there) and he can at last rest. Despite everything going down in this and subsequent chapters, this storyline had me by far the most hyped. Good job man, you've earned it.
Baruk offers to referee, and the participants take their places. Turban Orr's grandstanding, and the seconds' lack of comments each take as much time as the fight itself. As everyone notes, this is not a duel, but a public murder. That Anomander Rake decides to get publicly entangled in the proceedings not to comment or contribute at all, but just to watch this fool get merc'd, strikes me as darkly funny. Orr is dead and as Rallick quietly gloats to the corpse, the scandal is broached, and the hostess is nowhere to be found. A large woman in a green dress approaches Baruk and Rake, introduced as the Witch Derudan, another member of the Cabal. Also, she has a personal servant to carry a hookah with her at all times. They leave Rake's presence to discuss some matters.
Simtal, meanwhile, finally arrises from her 30 minutes with Murillio, becoming aware of some great disturbance downstairs. She begins dressing and is interrupted by Rallick Nom entering the room. Rallick stays only long enough to convey his purpose and her situation. It is Murillio who stays a moment to watch the woman process what has become of her. Years of machinations and backroom (or perhaps, bedroom) deals all hinging on the continued support of those around her. With no one, the vultures and enemies she's made will come, likely they've already begun. Murillio leaves a dagger and grants her the privacy to escape the coming storm.
Lady Simtal, you deserved this but that doesn't make what was done to you right. What business does justice have with cruelty? Swearing by the Lady of Beggers, Murillio comes to the crashing realization of what this night has cost his soul. Coll is reinstated, yes, but at incalculable cost to his dearest friends.
Crokus, meanwhile, finally gets the opportunity to peel away from Kruppe and approach Challice, after getting the girls attention, she runs over to him, overjoyed to finally have a moment alone with...Gorlas. Panicking, Crokus does the sane thing and kidnaps her, because that'll make this run smoother, y'kow?
At the first opportunity, Circle Breaker sneaks out of the estate and into the night a free man. Passing a food-comatose Kruppe, he leaves smiling, awed by his own escape.

Chapter 22

A major action climax for a few plotlines, with a resolution I've vacillated between sour and sweet on, currently resting at sweet as I've processed things.

Epigraph

A poem titled Ravens by Collitt. Acknowledging the Great Ravens as a sign of disaster, the poet fears and reveres them. Politically, this is one of my favorites thus far. Also, I love the connection between the Great Ravens and, well, normal ravens. Ravens are carrion feeders, who gather at signs of battle. Sapient Great Ravens gather at the signs of great events and cataclysmic battles, searching for "interesting" events. That's just a really fun connection.

The Chapter Itself

Two of the Soultaken driven from battle, Raest prepares for his final thrust. The Gadrobi Hills are devastated, sundered by his travels and battle. He's killed a few odd creatures along his path as well, who we recognize as the garrison that helped Coll and Paran, as well as Councilman Orr's messenger to Pale. Cresting a hill, he is briefly in awe of Darujhistan, then offers Silanah one last opportunity to retreat. She makes no reply, nor is she even prepared for battle. Raest steps forward, away from Genebakis and into another time, within the dreams of a great, pudgy mage.
Despite his best attempts, Raest can do nothing to kill the creature, introducing itself as Kruppe. He informs the Tyrant that he bows to no one, Tyrant or god; in the face of such indifference, there is nothing Raest can do. Beset by a T'lan Imass from behind; despite his best efforts, Onos T'oolan cannot be bound by the Jaghut, as our dear Tool is called by an ancient call of a Bonecaster, Pran Chole's. Befuddled by such impotence on his part, Raest is befuddled further still by the appearance of another interloper, K'Rul. He initially mistakes him for Hood (which greatly alters my estimation of the god's lifespan) although he only refers to him as the Death Wanderer, as opposed to the god of Death. K'Rul warns Raest of the arrival of Anomander Rake and the new form of death he brings with him. Raest scoffs at this initially, but K'Rul makes a fascinating revelation. The flow of power between the gods and mortals has shifted, though of it the mortals are ignorant. I suppose when you have mages mastering domains and relics capable of drawing the gods who wield them, it makes sense. Anything less than omnipotence can be overmastered. K'Rul also repeats his Maker of Paths title and reveals his aspect "was the Obelisk." So he's Burn's predecessor and not Hood's. Given Burn's Sleep began nearly 1200 years ago, that gives us a roughly 800-year window for the shift, given Darujhistan's founding, whatever Crokus may say. This whole sequence is filled with even more magic technobable, but I'll move on. Title of Sword? Moved to the Realms of Chaos, K'Rul's birthplace? I'll figure it out eventually. With a hollow laugh, Raest collapses into dust, his spirit invading a new body.
Kalam and Paran creep into Simtal's garden, finding there a young woman, along with a curious structure. The woman turns out to be Sorry, yet not Sorry. Kalam prevents the Captain from killing her outright, instead ascertaining that she has no memory or deeply incomplete memories of her time in the Bridgeburners. Kalam's reaction to being called a friend is priceless. They observe the structure, a tree stump that is somehow growing from moment to moment, frustrating the eyes as it does. At this moment, one is reminded of the acorn and the Finnest. Paran leaves to fetch Mallet, wondering if the healer could aid the girl.
Rallick, gripped with a malaise he cannot account for, stumbles to leave the party. What if Coll doesn't take his old Lordship back? Would what he's done be justified even if he does? As a reader, I have to wonder, how much of the blame lies on Oppon, and how much on RN himself? Interrupting his musings, he stumbles across a disgruntled and awake Kruppe. The mage is worried, although trusts K'Rul's words that the world as it is now would be enough to put down Raest. The assassin leaves Kruppe behind and is approached by a woman in a featureless mask, who circuitously reveals herself to be Vorcan. She mentions Councilman Orr possessed protective magics that Rallick somehow trivialized. For that reason, she requires his services now. One last note on their conversation here, that RN was fine submitting to punishment helps show how defeated he is, now that his slavish devotion to the plan justifying his own humanity is over with. Defending someone else's humanity cannot serve as a substitute for your own, Rallick, and I feel you know this now.
Crokus, meanwhile, is totally bungling his attempts to speak with Challice. Promising not to hurt her, after a slew of threats, of course, he lets her speak. She reveals that she never betrayed him and that they'd always known the Rope was behind the guard's death. Horrified, Crokus reels from the revelation, wondering what exactly is going on. Chalice restates her love for Gorlas (or more tellingly, his station and his love for her) and her desire to have nothing to do with Younghand's cloak-and-dagger shenanigans. She slips up at the end, patronizing him briefly, and Crokus (more than a little hypocritically) accuses her of romanticizing the dangers of the real world. They part on the worst possible terms.
Mallet, for his part, refuses to enter the garden. Recognizing the power within and its hunger, he demands Paran bring Sorry to him. She heads to the healer smilingly, and Kalam expresses regret that she hadn't smiled before. Mallet discovers Rigga's presence within the girl, torn whether to help what little remains of the Wax Witch to integrate Sorry's history into Apsalar's consciousness safely. Paran advises the healer to trust it. Rallick, Vorcan, and Crokus all enter the glade, the latter staying hidden. Paran meets them as they discuss the stump, with Vorcan asking Rallick to sit on it and dampen its growth. It's here that Rallick just outright admits to knowing the substance he'd used was Otataral dust, rendering my whole Eureka moment a bit... moot. Also, Rallick knew what it was the whole time?! Why play coy with something you'll eventually give to us outright, Erikson? It's either a mystery or not. There have been a handful of moments like this, where a mystery will be teased and then casually solved. It - I - uh, whatever I guess. That's only the second most infuriating reveal in this chapter anyway.
Kalam offers Vorcan 900k golden doubloons jakatas and a High Fist position to kill off the T'orrud Cabal. Paran assures her that Malazan can scare off the Son of Darkness, having done so twice before. Vorcan personally accepts the contract and after charging Rallick with sitting on the stump until a better solution can be reached, leaves to prepare for the grim task. After everyone leaves, Rallick invites Crokus out of the glade and charges the boy with warning Mammot and Baruk of their impending danger. At that moment, something occurs outside of the garden, and the stump grows past Rallick's ability to contain it.
Sensing the disturbance at the Fête, Baruk laments leaving so early. Rake assures him the situation is under control, but stops himself from revealing one other piece of information, his eyes betraying a quiet sadness. He then offers to help clear the streets for something else coming, using Dragnipur to clear a passage to K'Rul's Belfry after warning Baruk of Malazan's impending assassination attempt.
At the Fête, Raest arives. Subsuming the mind of Mammot, whom he'd imprinted upon while waking, he launches an assault upon the partygoers. Quick Ben manages to save Derudan in the initial volley, which tears through the estate in a series of propagating bolts of power. Whiskeyjack's leg is crushed under a pillar, down for the count, and Captain Paran appears to be instantly vaporized in the initial assault. Derudan and QB launch twin assaults on Raest, quickly draining the Witch.
Here we have what is likely the most vexing scene in the entire book. Or, perhaps, the start of several compoundingly vexing scenes. Paran drops into what seems to be yet another warren, a swamp of sorts, within which a T'lan Imass (likely Tool) and a wooden approximation of a Jaghut fight. Behind the Captain, a house grows out of the swamp. The Imass warns Paran that something called an Azath is not yet ready to contain the animate Finnest. Paran resolves to hold the Finnest until the Azath is made ready. Launching a blast against Paran's very soul, the Finnest circumvents even Chance, or perhaps the blade has at last betrayed him. The Finnest demands total submission, but Paran refuses. Within him, the... Blood of a Hound? wells up, refusing to be subdued. Did the souls of the Hounds follow Paran back out of Dragnipur? That was roughly when Paran's whole "no one's gonna control me" arc began in full. Anyway, Perrin Paran throws himself against the Finnest, tearing into it with fists, claws, and teeth, holding it down until he is shaken out of his blood fury. The Azath is finished and draws the Finnest below the mud. Paran is shunted out of the Warren into the material plane.
Noting Paran's return, Quick Ben assaults the Tyrant with everything he has, opening SEVEN Warrens within himself. A feat that is later noted to be theoretically impossible. He burns through the monster, reducing it to an animate, humanoid totem of ash. Raest retaliates, forcibly closing QB's Warrens one after another. QB is about to give up, before noticing Hedge, off to the side, a pyromanic grin on his face, Ben dives, covering Derudan and his ears. The sapper fires, blasting Mammot's body to smithereens. Paran runs off to inform WJ as QB notices something coalescing in the bottom of Hedge's crater.
It is then that the Azath drags the remaining spirit of Raest kicking and screaming into the garden. So, it turns out Azaths are a known force in this world, but I'll get to that later. I will note its appearance is a surprise to everybody. Was it the acorn? But if the Jaghut could seal the Finnest in an Azath, why not just go all the way? Many questions and few answers. Derudan leaves, and Fiddler and Hedge are sent off to blast the city. Kalam then finally realizes the potential danger of not only blowing up the City of Blue Fire, but of doing so at major infrastructure hubs. Took y'all long enough.

Chapter 23

A resolution to all but one of our action climaxes, and a final unveiling of several long-standing plans. We're solidly in the endgame now, and somehow only speeding up.

Epigraph

After a long hiatus, we receive another excerpt of Call to Shadow, this one seemingly referring to Simtal's suicide. Given that the author is apparently Paran's sister, the nature of the work is becoming clearer, this is a recounting of the events here in Darujhistan. I'm a bit unclear as to why its specifically attributed to Shadow, aside from Shadow's interference being the inciting incident to all this mess. Perhaps that's sufficient, however. What we can tell from this is that Paran eventually meets with Fellisin again, despite his status as a traitor. So while we can't tell whether or not this will all have a happy ending, we can tell the Paran siblings will make it that far at least.

The Chapter Itself

Paran, running through the undergrowth, is drawn into yet another Warren, ambushed by Rood. After nearly tearing the Captain apart, the Hound relents, confused by a sense of kinship. Cotilion appears, complaining that the Captain should interfere with House Shadows, especially given his growing enmity with the Empress. Even still, Cotillion will try again, correcting for the flaws of the initial plan. He considers his treatment of Sorry merciful, insofar as the necessary evil could be. Paran offers Cotillian Chance, seeing as how his luck has finally turned, and the Rope accepts with the intent to strike back at the Twins. Paran wakes back in the garden and leaves to find the Adjunct.
So, what was Oppon's plan for the captain? His use of Chance infuriated Hairlock and the Hounds, drawing the two together, and evidently claiming the Hounds' souls/blood in the process. Thus, Paran was able to resist the Finnest and buy the Azath time. The only issue was that is the Brother's actions in Dragnipur seemed to be surprised by the whole episode. An act? Beyond that, Paran also played half the role in freeing Sorry, thwarting Shadow's aims at Empire. j
Crokus, traumatized by the sight of Mammot possessed, burned, blown to bits, and claimed by the roots of the Azath, runs to find Baruks home. He (and the audience) can only hope that Mammot himself was released to death before the Azath took the possessed body. Running through the streets of Darujhistan, he finally comes to realize why they've emptied so. Rake has moved Moon's Spawn directly overhead, looming as if to crush the city at any moment.
The Adjunct tails the Coin Bearer, sensing the Jaghut Tyrant's death. Assuming Rake's involvement in the defeat, she releases Tayscheren's Ace in the Hole. A Lord of the Gaylen demons, powerful enough to challenge an ascendant, the intended follow-up in the one-two punch which would finish off Rake or Raest, whoever survived their clash. The Adjunct then tails the Coin Bearer further, considering the woman Lorn dead for good. She does not even consider the Adjunct human, but a tool. Lost entirely in her own justification, the Adjunct carries on.
Baruk mourns Mammot in his study. He's deduced too late that Rake knew all along, choosing to shield Baruk from the anticipation of his possessed friend's impending death. The Witch Derudan arrives, prepared to mourn with him, as an act of love. She informs Baruk of the extraordinary circumstances surrounding Mammot's death, as well as the conjuration of an Azath in Darujhistan. The specific use of the word conjuration implies something caused its appearance, though if not the acorn, I couldn't guess what. They feel the release of the demon lord, as well as two more of the Cabal members at the hand of Vorcan.
Anomander Rake, atop the belfry of K'Rul's temple. Silahnah arrives, but Rake asks she leave, she's done enough for today. K'Rul himself arrives, and the two speak of their misplaced wandering within this world. Rake knows no other life than wandering from battle to battle, yet it does not fulfill him. The elder god, having failed to receive the advice he craves, leaves the Lord to his battle. Rake watches as the Galen arises, and begins changing form. Rake then shapeshifts, rising higher, higher, higher above the city into a Silvermaned Black Dragon, more massive even than Silanah, and dives towards his ignorant prey.
The Adjunct formerly known as Lorn moves to kill the Coin Bearer at last. She's interrupted by, of all people, a member of the Crimson Guard.* Fingers, Sixth Blade of the Crimson Guard, grabs Crokus and escorts him to Baruk's place personally. During their discussion, Crokus at long last learns of his nature as the Coin Bearer, and is advised to lose the item as soon as his luck runs out. It is the CG who have been protecting the boy. After breaking away from Blues, a gravely injured Adjunct runs into Meese and Iralta, who finish her off.
* Upon review, Caladan Brood does commit some Crimson Guard members to protect the Coin Bearrer in Ch. 10 debriefing with Crone, just a bit circumlocutiously. He even names the sixth blade, and Kallor immediately takes it to mean they're interfering with Rake.
Paran comes across the Adjunct, injured beyond saving, or at least, dying faster than a healer can be acquired. She laments her ironic, inglorious death, and barely has time to marvel over Paran's return from the dead. The two share a moment of cold sympathy before her end. Paran claims the Otataral blade for himself. The Twins appear before him, begging for protection from Shadowthrone. Paran tells them off, and quietly picks up the Adjunct, returning to the Phoenix Inn.

Chapter 24

The breathless end of it all, flowing almost immediately into subsequent adventures. Anything I'm not fully satisfied with is at least spoken to, promising further resolution or explanation later.

Epigraph

An excerpt of a poem titled Azath by Adaephon. Written as if narrated by the titular entity, the poem speaks a bit about their purpose. Both a lure and a prison to the power-crazed, an endless prison in a world where death is trivialized to the powerful. It is interesting how much of a known entity these are, despite us not hearing about them until well after its arrival, and that no one (outside of possibly Rake) considered the Convergence would produce one. Ah, well.

The Chapter Itself

Crokus cannot enter Baruk's compound, being frustrated by the High Alchemist's wards. Fortunately, he has one last bit of luck. The Demon Lord crashes to the ground, slammed by Rake's assault from above. The crash shatters the gate and any potential wards. Both dragons shift back to their base forms, and the Galayn taunts Rake. Crokus feels someone walk up behind him, and the Lord of Moon's Spawn asks that Crokus flees. He notes that he is speaking with the Coin Bearer, but Brood's "request" and the impending fight save the lad. Rake and the Demon Lord fight, sword to axe, and while the contest isn't quite the spectacle of Raest soloing five dragons, its pretty great. We even get a bit of lore out of it. It seems indeed that some version of the story Tool told Lorn was true, Dark birthed Light, but then light was corrupted. Demons being corrupted denizens of Light is, well, exactly on brand, so that tracks. Crokus watches in horror as the Galayn Lord is subsumed into the black blade. AR then turns with exhaustion to the lad, and asks him to warn Baruk of the impending danger.
Baruk and Derudan have set up a magical barrier, but Baruk hesitates to enter it. His hesitation buys him nothing, however, as Vorcan attacks just as the ward is shattered outside. She is forced back by a Tiste Andii assassin, Serrat, who is stabbed by the Master of Assassins. Derudan is similarly stuck down, minutely to slow to take advantage of the distraction. Baruk, fleeing, runs to the door, in which is Crokus, who is able to (luckily) land two near impossible blows against Vorcan, by way of thrown bricks. She flees, and Baruk gets up, moving to save the injured. Serrat has passed, but Baruk reveals that he is able to save Darudan by curing the white paralt in her system.* They mourn Mammot, and then the young thief leaves to find Apsalar.
*Which is also just named outright as a spider, but this one annoys me far less than the Otataral thing.
I'll skip a scene breifly to maintain momentum, but it works in the chapter as is.
Rallick watches the stump, now a house, contemplating the capture he saw earlier. He is experiencing an unaccountable euphoria, believing the house to be "right, and just." Vorcan arrives, begging Rallick to protect her, before fainting. He picks her up, and with no better ideas, runs headlong into the cognitohzardous house, disappearing to we know not where. I suspect we haven't seen the last of either Rallick Nom or Vorcan, but that is the last we see of either this book. Korlat, a Tiste Andii assassin and sister to Serrat, enters the glade. She regards the Azath edielmarn or "Pillar of Innocence" and decides against the pursuit further. To continue the hunt would be to destroy the Azath, and its youthful innocence. In this, Korlat takes after the Queen of Darkness, who defended Light when it too was youthful and innocent. Oddly, in this, Korlat morally succeeds where Rallick failed. We learn that other objects such as this exist, such as the Deadhouse in Malaz city, where Kellanved and Dancer evidently walked through its... Gates. So we know people can leave these things, giving some hope for Rallick an Vorcan's return. Also, considering the heights to which the two Ascended after entering, first through Empire then godhood, R and V may have a long road ahead of them. Who knows? as my cheaky pun earlier hinted, I'm aware of the next book's title, so we may be seeing them soon.
Back at the Phoenix Inn, Whiskeyjack contacts Dujek to update him as to the nights proceedings. Tayscheren is in a coma after what happened to the Galayn Lord, and WJ states that they'll not be taking the city, for fear of detonating the natural gas caverns beneath. This is of course, a problem. The what's left of the 2nd is loosing Pale, Caladan Brood has marched south as Dujek guessed, and brought two other armies besides with him, beyond this, Laseen has outlawed Dujek himself, as Seven Cities is to close to rebellion for him to be useful in saving it in time. The Empire has now severed its last link to the Old Guard as a result.
The Black Moranth stand with Onearm, and will pick up the Bridgeburners once they're out of the city. WJ is made Dujek's second, and Paran is placed in charge of the BBs. Hopefuly, Brood knows enough about the Pannion Seer to accept Dujek's force's continued existence. Though they're free to walk, all of WJ's squad resolves to stay with the rebels, with two slight exeptions. Kalam and Fiddler have decided to leave with Apsalar, whom they're taking home; they commit to return once that is over with. WJ notices Coll is awake, but the Lord only offers them passage out of the city in gratefulness.
The main text of the novel ends with Kruppe, Murillio, and Crokus walking towards the Phoenix Inn. Kruppe assuages Crokus's worries by reassuring him that he knows Apsalar's location, and shrugs off concerns over Rallick, speaking more to the man's likely safety. We find out Challice was saved by Gorlas, tying off that loose end, and begins to regale them with the tale of how Darujistan was saved and Coll was reinstated, with his heroic aid, of course.

Book 7: The Fête

An excellent climax all around, pulling out every stop. While the initial experience was a bit jarring, with all the revelations, I am satisfied as I've let it sit. On the whole, I probably prefer a slower reading pace, but once I committed to finishing the whole thing, I was fine riding it out.
I'm straining against Reddit's 40k charachter limit, so I'll give my thoughts on the Epilogue, a deeper dive into the side materials, as well as thoughts on the novel as a whole soon.

After the absurd heights that Pierce Brosnan’s Bond climbed to, Eon Productions decided the best course for the Bond franchise was a full reboot. For the first time since the 60s, the British agent was a completely different individual separated from the rest of the timeline. This made for a sharper, more grounded action film with 2006’s Casino Royale.
Daniel Crag’s Bond feels more human, and despite his incredible athletic ability and great skill in fistfights or gunfights, he gets hurt. Like a lot. He definitely feels as if he takes more punishment than any Bond before him. He has a much smaller arsenal than previous incarnations, but his skill with a basic sidearm is usually all he needs to get the job done.
Feats come from Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace, Skyfall and Specter. Hover over a feat to see which film it’s from.

Physicals

Strength

• Tackles a man through two bathroom stalls
• Barrels through a temporary construction wall
• Holds onto the outside of a swerving truck
• Forces open a disabled elevator while underwater, then swims to the surface with a woman’s body
• Breaks off a door handle to hide an unconscious body
• Holds a man above a ledge by the hair
• Holds onto the bottom of an elevator car as it rises up a skyscraper
• Punches through drywall and wood to access a hidden room
• Breaks out of zip cuffs

Endurance
Blunt Force

• When jumping off a low crane, Bond stumbles, falling into a metal air vent. He’s up and running moments later.
• Grazed by a car while poisoned and still manages to make it to his own car
• Survives a car crash that puts his car airborne for a few seconds
• Recieves cock and ball torture by Le Chiffre’s rope, at first barely responding, then laughing in his torturer’s face
• Falls one or two stories onto the top of a bus, but gets up quickly
• Fights on after being hit across the back with a metal pipe four times
• Falls off a bridge onto a moving train underneath
• Dives through a window, then continues running
• Up and running moments after crashing a plane through a barn and a car
• Keeps fighting through repeated strikes from Hinx, like getting thrown into walls or getting thrown through thin walls
  • Mr. Hinx Respect Thread found here
• [Limit] Knocked out by a pistol whip to the back of the head
• [Limit] Knocked unconscious by a perpendicular car wreck

Other

• Keeps fighting after being cut across the chest and being shot up by a nail gun
• Gets shot in the shoulder by a handgun, but operates mostly unimpeded
• Bond is shot by a sniper rifle and falls off a high bridge into water. After three months, Bond is mostly physically able again, although his aim is more noticeably affected.
• Endures having a small surgical drill bore into the back of his skull and into the part of the brain that deals with recognition, seemingly to no negative neurological effect

Agility
Movement

• Keeps pace with a freerunning criminal
• Runs up a crane to reach the top of a building under construction
• Climbs up a vertical I-beam
• Catches up to a fleeing truck on a runway, although it obviously hasn’t accelerated to full speed
• From the top of a moving truck, Bond runs and flips through the open windshield
• Pursues a man on the rooftops of Italy
• Traverses a ledge quickly to evade agents
• Escapes a CIA squad with just a moment's warning
• Leaps onto the back of a departing train
• Runs away from a fireball caused by a house-sized explosion
• Jumps down a story onto stone, rolling to avoid impact damage

Reaction

• Uses an enemy to block gunfire
• While sitting in the passenger seat, Bond grabs the driver’s arm before they can shoot him
• Leaps out of the way of an off-rails train
• Rolls away from an incendiary grenade’s detonation moments after noticing it

Skills

Combat
Mostly Unarmed

• Brawls with a martial artist on the outside of a crane
• Brawls with a man in the front seat of a truck
• Throws a gunman down a flight of stairs using his own momentum
• Has an extended fight with a man with a machete while in a confined space. Bond himself was unarmed, although he did ball up his jacket to block some strikes.
• Duels with a man on collapsing scaffolding, using ropes and available ledges to avoid falling
• Breaks a hold on his jacket, sending a guard off a rooftop
• While handcuffed, Bond knocks out four surrounding MI6 agents in an elevator
• Takes out a CIA riot officer with an elbow to the face
• While completely unarmed, defeats a man wielding an axe, even tricking him into slicing his own foot
• Brawls with a man on top of a moving train
• Brawls with an assassin armed with a sniper rifle before dropping him out of a skyscraper
• From a sprint, Bond jumps and kicks a man in the face to knock him out
• Intentionally breaks the ice on a frozen lake to bring a gunman down into the water, then Bond chokes him to death with his leg
• Scuffles with a man in a helicopter before kicking him out
• Punches a guard, then throws him off a ledge while he’s stunned
• Drops two guards with one strike each

Mostly Armed

• (Nearly) drowns a man in a sink
• While being held at knifepoint, Bond turns and kills the man with his own knife after a struggle
• Defeats two men in a crumbling building, using exposed wiring and a nail gun to dispatch them
• While unarmed, Bond is attacked by an assassin with a knife, but manages to kill the assassin with a pair of scissors
• Hits the throttle of a motorbike to dismount the driver, then incapacitates them with a kick
• Uses a briefcase to fight three men, knocking out two of them
• Throws a knife into a man’s back from across a room, which kills him
• Clocks a man with a decorated cane
• Bond ties a rope around Mr. Hinx’s neck and attaches it to a weight, then kicks that weight off the train to pull Hinx away

Gunfighting

• Turns and fires on a man before he can fire
• Shoots a water pipe to spray two gunmen, nonlethally dispatching them
• Shoots a gas container to cause it to explode, allowing Bond to escape
• Sneaks up on a gunman and stealthily shoots him
• Shoots a man while hanging upside-down by the leg
• Disarms and shoots two policemen
• Kills about six men in a garage, firing while running and from under cover
• Disarms the man holding him at gunpoint, then kills four other armed men in seconds
• Shoots two fire extinguishers to obscure the room and allow hostages to safely escape
• Downs two gunmen with an old-school rifle
• Shoots two men from an opposite rooftop, then shoots a bomb to destroy the room
• Shoots two assassins before they can fire on their target
• While handcuffed and at gunpoint, Bond steals the gun to shoot his captors
• Uses a Sa vz. 58 Compact to escape Blofeld’s facility, killing nearly a dozen guards, even at extreme range
• From a speedboat, Bond accurately hits a helicopter’s engine enough with a handgun to cause it to crash

Driving/Piloting

• While flying a much less maneuverable plane, Bond tricks a fighter jet into crashing into a mountainside by producing smoke from a damaged engine
• Rides a motorbike up stairs and on narrow rooftop paths in pursuit of a target
• Uses a construction vehicle to make a makeshift bridge between two train cars
• Ejects a pilot from a helicopter, then pulls the helicopter out of freefall
• Races through Rome, driving down stairs and through a water way
• Flies a small plane on a snowy road to kick up a cloud of snow, causing a car to crash

Other

• [Preparation] Empties out a handgun before a man enters the room
• [Infiltration] Broke into M’s house to use her computer
• [Seduction] Seduces a married woman to learn more about her husband’s criminal activity
• [Poker] The best poker player in MI6
• [Toxin Response] After being poisoned, he consumes salt mixed with water to induce vomiting
• [Skydiving] Leaps from a crashing plane, catching up to his partner and using her parachute to save them both
• [Hacking] Somehow helps Q hack into a remarkably encrypted program
• [Preparation] Puts shotgun shells under the floorboards in order to fire on intruders when they step on them
• [Traversal] Safely traverses down a rapidly crumbling, two story building
• [Observation] Identifies a hidden door based on a tiny sliver of light through the crack
• [Observation] Spots Mr. Hinx approaching in the reflection of a dinner platter

Equipment

Weapons

• Wields a silenced Walther P99
• A suppressed UMP-9, used to fire on Mr. White’s leg at range
• A Walther PPK with a palm-print sensor coded to Bond’s hand, meaning only he can fire it
  • Sure enough, when someone else tries to use it, it just doesn’t fire
• His late father’s hunting rifle
• A heavily modified Glock 17, with laser sight and microphone attachment

Gadgets

• A small tracker, able to be hidden in an inhaler
  • He’s able to follow this tracker using his cell phone
• A defibrillator and medical kit in his glove box
• A powerful camera, used to identify the faces of high profile criminals with even a few pixels
• A miniature radio that can be used to send a distress signal to MI6
• Has microchips in his bloodstream that allows MI6 to track his location
• Has an explosive hidden in his watch that Bond can set to one minute
  • The explosion destroys a computer and leaves Blofeld with severe scarring

Vehicles

• Drives an Aston Martin DBS V12 with bullet resistant windows
• Owns an Aston Martin DB5, that apparently still has a working ejector seat
  • The DB5 has dual machine guns hidden under the headlamps
• Drives a bulletproof Aston Martin DB10
  • Has an exhaust switch that blasts plumes of fire behind the car
  • Uses the Aston Martin’s ejector seat to safely escape a pursuer

Miscellaneous

• Can be extremely reckless, as he was going to stab a VIP to death, despite MI6 wanting him alive, all because he beat Bond at poker
• MI6 will cancel his company cards and restrict his passport if he breaks their rules too often
• Stares down a scorpion during a drinking game
• Suffers from alcohol and pill addiction
• Knows how to deal with slow drivers
• Attempts to interrogate a mouse at gunpoint

I admire your luck, Mr...?
Bond. James Bond.

Special Agent 007, James Bond is the star agent of MI6. Always cool under pressure and licensed to kill, James is sent to infiltrate enemy organizations and destroy them from the inside. Over the decades, James Bond has gone from serious to campy and back again, but always manages to get the job done through wit, physical ability and superior equipment.
Bond generally wields a sidearm with lethal efficiency, along with a number of incredible gadgets developed by the geniuses at Q Branch. With his remarkable physical ability and ever-changing bag of tools, there isn't an international crime organization that Bond has failed to take down. The only thing that could possible distract Bond are his own vices: women or booze, both of which have gotten one over on him in the past.
James Bond Respect Threads by Actor
Sean Connery- 1962 to 1967, once more in 1971. Physically strong, numerous gadgets disguised as everyday items. Adept in traditional spy skills, like infiltration and observation.
George Lazenby- Once in 1969. Very similar to Connery in his craftiness, skilled specifically in winter sports.
Roger Moore- 1973 to 1985. Downright campy, making use of almost cartoonish skills that actually work in-universe. Skilled driver and pilot with a variety of gadgets.
Timothy Dalton- 1987 to 1989. Colder and more quick to become violent than the others. Usually carries a firearm and a lethal gadget to kill enemies.
Pierce Brosnan- 1995 to 2002. Best variety of gadgets of any Bond. Great feats of endurance and athletic ability.
Daniel Craig- 2006 to 2021. The most realistic Bond, yet has some of the most impressive physical abilities in any of the movies. Low variety of gadgets, but excels in gunfights.
Hover over a feat to see the film it’s from. Additionally, the name of any gif on Gfycat contains the last name of the actor that accomplished it.

Physicals

You have a nasty habit of surviving.
Well, you know what they say about the fittest.

Strength
Striking

• Breaks a wooden board with a downward strike
• Tackles a man through two bathroom stalls
• Barrels through a temporary construction wall
• Punches through drywall and wood to access a hidden room

Lifting/Throwing

• Picks up and throws a chair at a man, knocking him out
• Fights off an attacker with a couch
• Picks up and slides a man across a table
• Tosses a chain onto a low-flying helicopter to cause it to crash
• Holds a man above a ledge by the hair

Grip

• When he’s held underwater by two women, Bond surfaces and holds both of them underwater with one hand each
• Holds onto a small plane while the pilot tries to shake him off
• Catches a rope on a blimp and holds on even after it rises high into the air
• Holds onto the top of a speeding car, even when the driver attempts to shake him off
• Avoids falling out of a plane’s airlock by grabbing onto some netting
• Holds onto the outside of a moving seaplane, even after the pilot attempts to shake him off
• Holds onto the bottom of an elevator car as it rises up a skyscraper

Pushing

• With one other guy, Bond rolls this large concrete column
• Knocks over a large bookshelf

Other

• After being buried in snow by an avalanche, Bond climbs out and is relatively okay about a minute later
• Wrestles with a large constricting snake before killing it with a poison injector

Endurance
Blunt Force

• Keeps fighting after getting a wooden chair broken over his back
• Stays conscious after strikes from Oddjob
  • Oddjob RT
• Fights on through hits with a fireplace poker
• Jumps from a bridge to a passing boat, falling through the roof and onto a wedding cake
• While hanging onto a blimp, he’s smacked into the Golden Gate Bridge and quickly starts climbing up
• He’s knocked down a ladder, but recovers by the time he gets to the bottom rung
• Continues fighting Stamper after a number of blows to the face
• Falls from a low hot air balloon onto a domed structure, and he recovers by grabbing some nearby cables
  • Bond suffered a dislocated collarbone after this fall, however
• When jumping off a low crane, Bond stumbles, falling into a metal air vent. He’s up and running moments later.
• Recieves cock and ball torture by Le Chiffre’s rope, at first barely responding, then laughing in his torturer’s face
• Falls one or two stories onto the top of a bus, but gets up quickly
• Fights on after being hit across the back with a metal pipe four times
• Keeps fighting through repeated strikes from Hinx, like getting thrown into walls or getting thrown through thin walls
  • Mr. Hinx Respect Thread found here
• [Limit] Has a recurring weakness to blunt force trauma to the back of the head

Piercing/Cutting

• Keeps running despite being shot in the calf
  • He’s later seen patching up his calf in the bathroom, so he was definitely hit by a bullet
• Keeps fighting after being cut across the chest and being shot up by a nail gun
• Gets shot in the shoulder by a handgun, but operates mostly unimpeded

Other

• Resists being garroted long enough to grab a knife, stabbing his attacker and turning the garrote wire back on him
• Takes over 12 Gs of force before destroying the machine with an armor-piercing dart
  • Real-life astronauts are typically trained to withstand up to 9 Gs of force.
• Gets electrocuted with a gauntlet that can output 100,000 volts, which leaves him writhing in pain but conscious
  • Scene describing the electrical weapon, where the 100,000 volt figure is from
• Bond is shot by a sniper rifle and falls off a high bridge into water. After three months, Bond is mostly physically able again, although his aim is more noticeably affected.
• Endures having a small surgical drill bore into the back of his skull and into the part of the brain that deals with recognition, seemingly to no negative neurological effect

Agility
Movement

• Chases down an assassin, tackling him
• Takes a running jump up to a rising platform
• Catches up to an aircraft taking off on the runway
• Runs and jumps into a closing metal door
• Catches up to an airplane during takeoff, jumping into the plane through the landing gear
• Catches up to a fleeing truck on a runway, although it obviously hasn’t accelerated to full speed
• Escapes a CIA squad with just a moment's warning
• Runs away from a fireball caused by a house-sized explosion

Reflexes

• While on the ground, he dodges katana swings
• Dodges a thrown knife, then pulls it out of the wood behind him to kill the assassin
• Dodges a dune buggy at close range
• Evades shotgun fire from a pursuer
• Evades rifle fire, then shoots the enemy gunman
• Evades handgun fire with a roll, then avoids some distant machine gun fire
• Dodges a harpoon underwater
• When a man attempts to shoot Bond’s knees from nearly point blank range, Bond moves his legs to avoid the shots
• Uses an enemy to block gunfire
• While sitting in the passenger seat, Bond grabs the driver’s arm before they can shoot him
• Rolls away from an incendiary grenade’s detonation moments after noticing it

Combat Skill

Problem solver?
More of a problem eliminator.

Unarmed Combat
Quick Knock Outs

• Judo flips an attacker, then punches him
• Dispatches a guard with a neck strike
• Silently KOs a man, then steals his equipment to blend in with a scuba crew
• KOs a guard with a judo chop
• Stealthily KOs a guard from behind cover
• Knocks a man out with one kick to the head
• Ends an attempted fistfight with an elbow and then slamming the man on a table
• Knocks out a man by slamming him into the walls of an elevator twice
• Punches a guy out in two strikes
• Consistently one-punches goons
• From a sprint, Bond jumps and kicks a man in the face to knock him out

Against Individuals

• Breaks a hold from behind by a man who wrestles alligators
• Fights evenly with Grant in a train car, with both men getting in hits before Grant begins garroting Bond with a concealed wire
  • Grant is a trained Russian assassin who no-sells strikes to the stomach with brass knuckles
• Sweeps Pussy Galore to the floor, then reverses her judo throw attempt
• Wrestles with Hans before flipping him into a piranha pond
• Flips a man with judo throws twice
• Defeats a strong, tough guy in the hotel
• Has an awesome fistfight with a heavyset henchman, ending with Bond punching him off a rooftop
• Fights an assassin while dangling outside of a moving plane
• Has an extended fistfight with Alec Trevylyn, former agent 006, ending with Alec grabbing a handgun to hold Bond at gunpoint
• During a fight, he breaks a man’s arm, then punches him off a ledge
• Brawls with a martial artist on the outside of a crane

Against Multiple Attackers

• Knocks out six men when fleeing on a rooftop
• Starts thrashing technicians until one pulls a gun
• Defeats four guards in hand-to-hand combat
• Knocks out two attackers who ambushed him
• Drops about four men in a bar fight
• While handcuffed, Bond knocks out four surrounding MI6 agents in an elevator
• Drops two guards with one strike each

Against Armed Attackers

• Kicks away a gunman's gun, then beats him up in the ocean
• Disarms an armed woman with one hand
• While unarmed, Bond fights with a knife-wielding villain, with Bond disarming him and tackling him into water
• Disarms a woman and puts her in a painful armhold
• Disarms a gunman and knocks him down some stairs
• Has an extended fight with a man with a machete while in a confined space. Bond himself was unarmed, although he did ball up his jacket to block some strikes.
• Takes out a CIA riot officer with an elbow to the face
• While completely unarmed, defeats a man wielding an axe, even tricking him into slicing his own foot
• Brawls with an assassin armed with a sniper rifle before dropping him out of a skyscraper
• Intentionally breaks the ice on a frozen lake to bring a gunman down into the water, then Bond chokes him to death with his leg

With Weapons
Blades

• Kills a man with his own knife in one maneuver
• In just a few moves, Bond defeats a henchman in a machete fight, throwing him into a container full of snakes
• Steals a man’s knife, then pins his tie to a nearby counter
• Swordfights with a trained fencer, eventually switching to broadswords, where Bond draws first blood from the torso
• While being held at knifepoint, Bond turns and kills the man with his own knife after a struggle

Blunt Objects

• Breaks a man’s neck with a fireplace poker
• Disarms a diver, then uses the harpoon gun to shatter their goggles
• Using an oar, Bond fights off a man with a large hook
• Uses a ski to knock a man off of a cliff, then kills another man after a struggle
• While unarmed, Bond is attacked by an assassin with a knife, but manages to kill the assassin with a pair of scissors
• Spots an attacker in the reflection of a bronze decoration, then uses the decoration to bludgeon them
• Fights off four men who were beating him with a bat moments before, making heavy use of furniture and blunt items

Unorthodox Items

• Defeats three men in the confined space of a cockpit
• Throws flammable alcohol onto an assassin, igniting him
• Beats down a guard with a door, then five strikes
• Takes out two motorcycle-riding assassins with a long plank of wood
• Uses a ski pole to set a trap for a motorbike-riding assassin
• Knocks out a prison guard while handcuffed, at one point using the cuffs on the man's face
• Defeats two men in a crumbling building, using exposed wiring and a nail gun to dispatch them

Environment Focused

• Brawls with an assassin in a hotel room before throwing him into a bathtub and knocking a fan into the water, electrocuting him
• Kills Oddjob by using exposed electrical wiring on a metal cage that Oddjob was touching
• Tricks Jaws into hitting a wood column, knocking a wooden structure over himself
• Brawls with Jaws atop a cable car
• Fights off three hockey player assassins in a hockey rink, taking one out with the zamboni
• Judo throws a goon onto a bed of spikes
• While pinned to a wooden door by knives, he opens the door and kills an assassin with one of the knives
• Smacks a henchman with a plane’s antenna, throwing him off the plane
• Tosses maggots at a gunman, then knocks him out and judo throws him into the maggots
• Bond drags a guard into water and drowns him
• Bond ties a rope around Mr. Hinx’s neck and attaches it to a weight, then kicks that weight off the train to pull Hinx away

Accuracy

You wouldn’t kill me. You’d miss me.
I never miss.

Pistols

• Grabs Goldfinger’s gun and fires on an airplane window, sucking the villain out of the plane
• Shoots a gunman despite their being behind a column for cover
• Right after waking up, he shoots a ninja in the dark
• Poses as a wax figure and shoots Scaramanga
• Shoots three soldiers with his Walther P5, two of them being headshots
• Accurately hits a gunman from a moving speedboat
• Shoots a gunman through a wooden floor
• Uses a human shield to block bullets, then returns fire, killing a gunman
• Turns and fires on a man before he can fire
• Shoots a man while hanging upside-down by the leg
• Disarms and shoots two policemen
• Disarms the man holding him at gunpoint, then kills four other armed men in seconds
• Shoots two fire extinguishers to obscure the room and allow hostages to safely escape
• While handcuffed and at gunpoint, Bond steals the gun to shoot his captors

Against Vehicles

• Uses the Walther PPK to shoot out a dune buggy’s front tire
• Fires a Taurus PT92 into the engine of an oncoming Jeep, disabling it
• From a speedboat, Bond accurately hits a helicopter’s engine enough with a handgun to cause it to crash

Rifles/Submachine Guns

• Using a sniper rifle, Bond shoots a man in a helicopter, causing him to drop his grenade inside
• Fires a rifle, killing three goons, while sliding down a bannister
• Kills at least 8 men with a submachine gun in a short timeframe
• Turns around and shoots a gunman before he can kill his hostage. Note that Bond turns and fires right after the gunman receives orders to kill the hostage.
• Spots a sneaking soldier dressed in black and kills him with a rifle
• Fires on a guard before the guard can fire his weapon
• From a speeding hovercraft, Bond hits small land mines to detonate them on his pursuers
• Uses a Sa vz. 58 Compact to escape Blofeld’s facility, killing nearly a dozen guards, even at extreme range

Other Firearms

• Turns and immediately shoots a harpoon gun, killing a stealthy assassin
• Takes out a distant sniper by firing a shotgun
• Accurately shoots a sniper’s rifle with his own, rather than kill her
• Escapes a crowd of divers by stealing a harpoon gun and firing it into a nearby seaplane, pulling himself away

Non-Firearm Accuracy

• Throws three scalpels into a man’s arm and chest
• Throws a knife into a specific date on a calendar from across a room
• When the auto-targeting system fails, Bond manually shoots down a capsule full of viruses with a laser cannon
• Kills a man with a climbing spike

Other Skills

I always enjoyed learning a new tongue.
You always were a cunning linguist, James.

Athletics

• Dives off an oil rig into the ocean below
• Avoids machine gun fire while skiing
• Continues skiing after losing a ski
• While skiing, Bond jumps and twists to smack two gunmen with his skis
• Goes rock climbing on a nearly vertical rock wall
• Temporarily outswims the pull of an industrial fan before destroying it with his air tank
• Performs a HALO jump into water, then immediately begins scuba diving
• Swims outside of a submarine, scaling the surface until he can re-enter the vessel on the other side. He had to hold his breath for almost two minutes while scaling the outside of the submarine.
• Infiltrates North Korea by simply surfing onto the coast of the country
• Parasurfs off a collapsing iceberg
• Leaps from a crashing plane, catching up to his partner and using her parachute to save them both

Driving/Piloting
Driving

• Weaves around a parking lot, causing a dozen cop cars to crash into themselves, walls or parked cars
• Briefly drives on two wheels to slip through a narrow alley
• Drifts a double decker bus, causing a couple cops to crash their motorcycles
• Jumps over a river in a car using a broken bridge as a ramp
• While driving, he knocks over barrels onto enemies, then drives on two wheels to block bullets
• Drives a car over a ramp, onto a bus, then back to ground level

Piloting Aircraft

• Picks up a villain's wheelchair with a helicopter, then drops him into a smokestack
• Avoids a heat-seeking missile while piloting a small plane, redirecting it into an enemy hangar
• Dodges a stinger missile by driving a semi-truck on only the left hand wheels
• Starts a helicopter in midair and lands safely
• While flying a much less maneuverable plane, Bond tricks a fighter jet into crashing into a mountainside by producing smoke from a damaged engine
• Ejects a pilot from a helicopter, then pulls the helicopter out of freefall

Other

• Jumps a speedboat over a small patch of land
• Drifts a tank, then drives through a building to cause untold property damage

Traversal

• Performs a front flip off a ledge
• Traverses a ski lift wire with nothing more than a pair of mittens
• Traverses the underside of an oil rig by swinging on a rope, then walking a tightrope
• Jumps on the back of a couple alligators to escape a swamp
• Swings on vines like Tarzan to escape pursuers
• Traverses the side of a moving train
• Uses a long pole to safely travel down a building, then releases the pole to smack a pursuing officer
• Performs a combat roll down stairs to avoid handgun fire
• Runs up a crane to reach the top of a building under construction
• Climbs up a vertical I-beam
• From the top of a moving truck, Bond runs and flips through the open windshield
• Jumps down a story onto stone, rolling to avoid impact damage

Stealth

• Uses a hollow reed to hide underwater from guards and dogs
• Hides in plain sight by pretending to be making out, but it’s actually just his own arms wrapped around himself
• Evades a crowd of police
• Lowers his heart rate to trick medical staff and an EKG, then dispatches the staff and escapes the hospital
• Broke into M’s house to use her computer

Other

• [Observation] Notices an attacker in the reflection of a woman’s eye, then uses her as a human shield to block a strike
• [Foreign Language] Learned several Asian languages at Cambridge
• [Alcoholism] Can tell the temperature of alcohol after one sip
• [Deception] Poses as a genealogist under the pseudonym Sir Hillary Bray. After a few days, Blofeld sees through the ruse and has Bond captured.
• [Underwater] Ties a boat to a large rock with the rope he’s bound in, causing the boat to break the rope, freeing Bond
• [Sleight of Hand] Switches out a priceless Faberge egg for a fake copy
• [Animal Commanding] Commands a wild tiger to sit, and it actually listens
• [Gambling] Wins a quarter of a million dollars at a high stakes gambling table
• [Invention] Descends a tall building with some rope and an unconscious body
• [Seduction] Seduces a married woman to learn more about her husband’s criminal activity
• [Preparation] Puts shotgun shells under the floorboards in order to fire on intruders when they step on them
• [Observation] Identifies a hidden door based on a tiny sliver of light through the crack

Equipment

Right, now pay attention 007. I want you to take great care of this equipment. There are one or two rather special accessories.
Q, have I ever let you down?
Frequently.

Weapons
Firearms

• Carries a Walther PPK, a discreet pistol with excellent stopping power
• A collapsible Armalite AR-7 sniper rifle with an infrared sight, allowing for use in the dark
• Bond carries a S&W; model 29 revolver in early Moore films, then later switches to his iconic Walther PPK, then, finally, uses the Walther P5
• Carries a very small firearm, the Beretta 950 Jetfire
• Has a firearm disguised as a camera. Additionally, the device is programmed to Bond’s own palm signature, meaning only he can fire the weapon.
  • The camera gun can be outfitted with a scope and tripod for long range fire
• A suppressed UMP-9, used to fire on Mr. White’s leg at range
• A Walther PPK with a palm-print sensor coded to Bond’s hand, meaning only he can fire it
  • Sure enough, when someone else tries to use it, it just doesn’t fire
• A heavily modified Glock 17, with laser sight and microphone attachment

Other

• A combat knife
• A projectile launcher disguised as a cigarette, gifted to Bond by a ninja master
• A grenade disguised as a ballpoint pen
  • By tossing the grenade pen into a pool of fuel, an explosion and destructive fire is formed
• A grenade disguised as a lighter
• A flashbang explosive disguised as a handgun, used to stun three gunmen, allowing Bond to dispatch them

Gadgets
Mobility

• A grappling gun and cord that attaches to his pants, allowing him to scale the outside of a skyscraper
  • Can be outfitted with metal projectiles and used as a firearm instead
• Briefly wore a ninja outfit with suction cups on the palms and knees, used to scale down metal walls
• Flies away from a fight with a jetpack
• A belt with a hidden high-tensile cord, enough to support Bond’s own weight
  • Using the belt cord, Bond swings Spider-Man-style across a room and out a window

Reconnaissance/Infiltration

• A small explosive, used to blow a lock off a cell door
• Has a small safe-cracking device disguised as a cigarette case
• Special glasses to see through tinted glass
• Photocopier disguised as a checkbook
• A digital skeleton key disguised as a gift card
• Binoculars built into a pair of glasses
• Sunglasses with built in X-ray vision, allowing Bond to detect concealed weapons and see through women’s clothing
• A powerful camera, used to identify the faces of high profile criminals with just a few pixels
• A cell phone that acts as a fingerprint scanner, a powerful taser and as a remote control for a BMW

Continued in Comments

The episode resumed on a shot of two totem poles hanging from tree branches. The one on the left was a green-marked rat sitting on a toxic waste barrel; and the one on the right was a red-marked three-eyed maggot with a hazard sign on its base and a hatchet stuck in the bottom.
"Those, are your team totems," Chris explained, the shot panning down to show each team standing below their respective totem with the host roughly between them, the entire group standing in front of a river. "You need to cut 'em down, and get 'em in the river, and ride 'em back to the campgrounds," he explained. "First team there gets their pick of the cabins. But hurry! The totems are rigged with bombs that will explode if you don't plant 'em in front of your cabin in seven minutes or less," the shot zoomed in on the timer on the Rats' totem. "Starting now," Chris quickly added, and the timer began counting down from 7:00.
"Ooh, I wanna go first!" Katie replied enthusiastically, jumping onto the trampoline that had been set-up under the Maggots' totem. However, rather than go straight up she bounced off to the right with a startled cry and landed with a painful crash just past a nearby shrub.
\
"I'll give this a try!" Geoff announced as the focus moved to the other team, grabbing the hacksaw and jumping onto the trunk of the tree the Rats' totem was hanging from. Sierra and Sammy watched him climb in wary silence, then took a shocked step back when he slid back down almost immediately. "Don't worry. I got this!" Geoff brushed off his pain.
"I don't think that's going to work," Sierra said while B was thinking of what to do. "We need a plan!"
\
Scarlett examined the trampoline as the camera cut to the Maggots. "Here's what's going to happen. DJ will hit the center of the trampoline-"
Anne Maria walked past Scarlett. "Back off. I want a crack at this."
"I did not calculate your weight!" Scarlett tried to tell her.
Standing on a rock, Anne Maria jumped onto the trampoline. She slammed right up into the base of the totem face first and nowhere near the ax. She fell down to the trampoline, which bounced her back up, and caused her to slam into it with her back before falling again. The team watched in growing discomfort as Anne Maria repeatedly hit the trampoline and the totem back and forth. After a few more collisions, DJ pulled the trampoline out from under Anne Maria before she could hit it again. Instead of bouncing on the trampoline once more, Anne Maria's body crashed on the ground.
Confessional: Anne Maria
"Sure, I want to win a million dollars, but not at the expense of my looks," Anne Maria gestured to herself. "I mean, check me out. Perfect hair, perfect tan… all this is worth a billion, easy."
Confessional Ends
The footage cut back to another shot of the Rats' totem, Geoff still climbing up the tree.
"Well, if he can't climb it," Sammy said, the camera cutting back down to the forest floor where she and her teammates were looking up, "then I doubt any of us are gonna be able to."
"We have to do something," Sierra countered. "The Maggots are taking the lead!"
B then grabbed Leshawna's hand and led her to a log being balanced by a large rock. "Oh okay. You want me on this thing?" Leshawna asked while being positioned.
"Whoa there," Sierra said when B took her near the tree. "You want me to stand here?"
B ran and did a front flip onto the log, resulting in Leshawna landing on Sierra's shoulders. They all voiced their support, until Geoff fell on the ground in pain.
Confessional: Sierra
"OMG! This is my first confessional ever! I am so excited!" Sierra gushed. "I never thought I would be on Total Drama, my favorite show in the world! Now I will finally put to rest all those blog questions, like "Who will be our next villain?" or "Who's going to get eliminated first?""
Confessional Ends
A close-up showed Scarlett giving the trampoline's position a few minor adjustments, then smiling and standing back up. "Okay, you should be good to go!" she told Dave, who was now standing on the large rock that was behind their team.
"Right," Dave nodded. A tense challenge tune began as he jumped down onto the trampoline, then straight up to the totem pole. He grabbed onto the hatchet buried in the wooden carving and tried to pull it free, but it didn't budge. "How is this stuck in here so deep?" he grunted, swinging his legs up so he could brace them against the bottom of the totem pole.
"Well guys," Molly said, the camera panning down to her and the rest of the Maggots looking up. "I don't think this is gonna be enough."
Confessional: Molly
"Okay, so I don't really like working with people," Molly admitted to the outhouse camera. "I've been raised to work by myself and without help. My parents made me audition just so I can learn how to, uh, what's the word that starts with c?"
Confessional Ends
B launched Sammy up onto Scott's shoulders, who already went before her. "I'm good."
\
The challenge music resumed as the shot cut back to Dave hanging from the hatchet, still trying to pull it out. "Almost...got it!" he said, finally freeing the ax then grabbing a short branch below the totem as he started to fall back down.
"Nice job, Dave!" Trent cheered down below.
"Watch out!" Katie said suddenly, pointing up at the branch Dave was hanging by one arm from as a hairless squirrel emerged from a hole in the trunk with an annoyed chitter. "It's one of those weird rat things!"
The squirrel seemed to take offense to that, and its eyes began to glow red. It suddenly shot eye-lasers down at the phone addict, who jumped away. The squirrel did not let up, however, and kept sweeping its laser-gaze across the panicking Maggots below.
"Are these animals even tested?" Trent panicked.
\
B cartwheeled before jumping onto the log in order to get Geoff standing over Sammy.
"We just need one more person!" Leshawna reminded B. "Max, get your butt over here!"
The camera cut to the supervillain, who was writing on his notebook. "What evil nickname should I give myself? Professor Abomination? Too soft. Doctor Repugnance. Too smelly. Little Mister Dreadulocks. Me likey."
Max put his notebook away and went back to his team.
\
The hairless squirrel was still attempting to zap the six grounded Maggots, forcing them to run about in terror.
"I thought animals were our friends!" DJ shrieked.
"Oh no," Dave said as the shot cut back to him hanging from the branch the squirrel was on, which soon turned its attention to him. "Why are you zapping me?!" He quickly threw the hatchet in front of his face as the squirrel fired its laser, and the beam bounced off the tool and directed at the higher branch the totem was hanging from – the blast snapped through it, sending the Maggots' totem pole crashing to the ground. The team cheered and Dave got off the branch.
"Now to get this totem into the water!" Scarlett said after.
\
"Release me this instant!" Max yelled because of B dragging his body onto the log.
With a mighty leap B launched the small, screaming boy into the air, and the dramatic music peaked as he sailed through the air. Max was able to land on top of Geoff.
"Quick!" Geoff told him, the shot zooming out to show him giving Max the rickshaw. "Cut the rope, little dude!"
"I don't like being told what to do normally," Max brattily whined, turning around and sawing through the rope holding up their totem. A few seconds later, the totem landed on the ground earning a cheer from the seven Rats.
"Nice job, B. We might just win this!" Sierra congratulated the burly man.
Confessional: B
B blew into his fist and rubbed it off in accomplishment.
Confessional: Scott
Scott was throwing a rock against the wall and catching it when it bounced back to him. "B thinks he's so smart. But once my plan goes into action, he won't know what hit him!" In the middle of his sentence, he stopped throwing his rock. He went back to his activity once more, but failed to catch the rock as it hit his eye, making him react painfully.
Confessionals End
The challenge music resumed over a shot of the rocky river, whoops and shouts of excitement coming from upstream. The camera panned up just as the Toxic Rats floated by on their totem – B at the head followed by Geoff, Scott, Max, Leshawna, Sierra, and Sammy on the end. The Mutant Maggots floated by soon after, Scarlett in front, followed by Molly, Katie, Anne Maria, Trent, Dave, and DJ in back.
"They're gaining on us, dudes!" Geoff shouted in alarm after looking back.
"I think we have bigger problems," Scott said, pointing forward. "Look!"
The perspective briefly switched to reveal that the river they were on was heading over a cliff, and the Rats gasped. "Weaklings," Max scoffed, "it's just a little waterfall!"
"It's more than just a little waterfall!" Sierra corrected in rising panic.
The shot zoomed out to show the top of the waterfall, the seven screaming teenagers shooting over it on their totem pole and falling into the forest below. Unseen branches snapped as they plummeted, but the camera cut to the ground just in time to show them landing on the shore of the waterfall's basin on the broadside of the totem pole, and after a bounce that jostled Sammy from her seat they began to slide down a hill.
Sammy screamed, hanging on to the back of the fast-moving pole with only her hands.
"Hold on, I've got you!" Sierra told her, quickly turning around and grabbing her arms. She easily pulled her back onto the totem, and the cheerleader instantly stopped screaming. "Hang on to the totem pole tightly if you don't want that to happen again."
"Uh, sure!" Sammy hesitantly promised.
Back at the top of the waterfall, the Mutant Maggots shot out into the air with screams of their own. As with their rivals, the sound of crashing branches preceded the thud of their landing, and they whooped and cheered as the camera cut to them sliding down the hill.
"Lean forward!" Scarlett commanded.
"You want us to do what?" Anne Maria spluttered.
"She's right. Lean!" Trent said, and the others promptly did so. The shot zoomed back out to show the Maggots passing the Rats.
"Now they're in front of us!" Leshawna shouted.
"B wants us to lean forward!" Geoff advised everyone, and they leaned forward as well.
"FASTER!" Max barked, to the annoyance of his teammates. "We must go faster or else-"
"We get it!" The Toxic Rats stopped Max's ranting.
\
The music stopped abruptly as the scene moved to Chris and Chef, lounging in short white deck chairs outside of the cabins – the one on the right looked just as it had in season one, but the one on the left had been replaced by what looked like a larger and much fancier two-and-a-half-story house.
"Ahh, feels good to be back," Chris said, leaning back in his chair while Chef read a book.
The sound of panting prompted the camera to pan to the right, and none other than Owen ran up. "Hey, Chris," he said, "the boat wouldn't stop for some reason!"
"Oh look, it's former player Owen," Chris told the camera, "who's not competing this year!"
Owen continued. "So I swam back over here to-" He paused, blinked, then widened his eyes in realization. "What?! Not competing?!"
"I'm afraid you and the other 'classic players' have outlived your usefulness," Chris explained. He briefly looked at the camera, then added "Chef?"
The hulking man stepped forward and planted a bomb similar to the ones on the totem poles on Owen's chest. Owen screamed in growing horror as the light on the bomb began to blink. He turned and fled, but the host smiled impishly and eyed the button on his remote.
The scene cut to a long-distance view of the thousand-foot-high cliff as Owen's screams were followed by an explosion that launched him into the air, visible even from afar.
Chris and Chef were laughing hysterically as the shot cut back to them, but they stopped as soon as they heard the laughs and cheers of a team approaching from the forest. The camera cut to the foot of a hill on the edge of the woods as the totem bearing the Mutant Maggots slid down, and came to a stop just before the host and cook as a victorious tune played.
"Yes! We arrived first!" Katie cheered in celebration.
"Tick tock," Chris told them. The bomb's timer was shown counting down from 0:15 to 0:14.
"Quick, grab the better cabin!" Dave commanded, and the shot cut to the two cabins – a flat stump occupying the area between them – as the seven teens carried their massive totem over their heads, grunting with the effort.
They managed to place it upright on the stump, and the timer stopped at 0:05 seconds. As it flashed and beeped the Maggots cheered for their victory...that is, until the sound of approaching screams caught their attention.
The music turned tense again as the Rats finally arrived at the bottom of the hill, hitting a small bump in just the right way to send their totem flying into the air. All seven fell off it, and to the mute shock of Chris and Chef it crashed into the second story of the better cabin. The timer on it counted down from 0:03, to 0:02, to 0:01.
The explosion that followed blew the entire two-and-a-half-story building apart, leaving behind nothing but smoke and splintered boards.
"Too bad," Chris told the Mutant Maggots as the camera panned right to the seven shocked teens standing around their totem pole, "it had an eight-person hot tub and air conditioning!" They all groaned in disappointment.
"That just makes it worse!" Molly grumbled.
Chris gave her a look of amusement and smiled. "Look on the bright side," he told the indie chick. "As the first team to arrive, you guys win the first challenge!" They cheered and celebrated their victory.
"So where are we gonna sleep?" DJ asked the host after they finished celebrating.
"No worries," Chris told him as the sound of a helicopter rose up nearby. "We've got a back-up cabin for you. It's every bit as nice as the one you lost." As he spoke, the show's red helicopter was shown bringing in the cabin in question and lowering it into the scattered rubble of the old one...revealing that the new one was basically identical to the older model the Rats had gotten stuck with.
The Maggots groaned again as it landed on the ground and one of its doors fell off its hinges.
"Team Rat," Chris told them as the camera panned back to them, "I'll see you at the campfire for the first elimination ceremony of the season." He laughed, then high-fived Chef.
The seven losers grudgingly made their way to their new abode, and the camera focused in on Max near the back of the group as he sniffed. "Such incompetence. Are all of you good for nothing?"
"Excuse me? It ain't our fault we lost," Leshawna said, angry with Max. "The other team was faster than all of us even when we busted our butts out there!"
"Hmph! My point still stands," Max ignored the sista. "Now nobody bother me! I'm going to rest for a while because I deserve it after what we've been through today."
As Max sniffed once more while walking to his cabin with even more disdain than the last, he was completely oblivious to the glares he was receiving from his teammates.
The shot zoomed on to Scott, who was mad at first but then knew who to vote off. "I think I know who'll be on the chopping block tonight."
\
The footage skipped ahead with a dramatic beat, a full moon now shining over Camp Wawanakwa.
"The votes are cast," Chris said as the camera panned down to the campfire pit, the seven members of the Toxic Rats sitting among the eleven stump seats – Max and Leshawna in the front row on the far right; and Sammy, Scott, Sierra, Geoff, and B taking up the entire back – and Chris in position at the oil drum podium. "Those who receive a regular marshmallow can stay. But this season," the shot cut in closer to the host as the faintest beginnings of the series' deep and tense elimination music played, "one player will receive a very special marshmallow. A marshmallow you do not wanna eat." He motioned to the side as Chef walked up, wearing a hazmat suit and carrying a thick metal box marked with a hazard symbol.
Chef flipped open the lid of the box, revealing a single marshmallow with a bright but sickly green glow to it. "Whoever gets the Marshmallow of Toxic Loserdom," the host explained, "is out of the contest. Which means, you can't come back! Ev-er." He paused for a brief moment, then smiled and picked up the first normal marshmallow from the tray resting in front of him.
"The following players are safe," he announced. "Sierra," he tossed the first bit of white to the obsessive uberfan, who caught it eagerly.
"Scott." The second was thrown to the devious, who caught it in his hand with a smirk.
"B." The mute claimed his marshmallow with open hands.
"Sammy." The nervous caught her prize while frowning.
"And Geoff." The party guy got his next, catching it with his hat.
"And the Marshmallow of Toxic Loserdom goes to," Chris announced as the music began to rise. The camera cut to the back-right corner as Leshawna and Max stiffened up. As the tension in the music continued to build, close-ups of each contestant were shown – first Leshawna, then Max – as they began to tremble and sweat. The Marshmallow of Toxic Loserdom was shown glowing in a pair of tongs held by Chef, and finally the camera cut back to Chris as the music peaked and he said...
"Max."
"BLAST!" Max shouted in outrage. "You shall regret ever having met me, Chris McLean!" The glowing marshmallow was tossed at him, but he caught it and threw it back, though he winced at the pain; a few dark notes played as the toxic sweet burned a hole into the ground.
"If it makes you feel any better," Chris told him, "we came up with something new this season! You'll looove it."
\
The screen rotated around itself, the scene cutting to the torch-lit dock where, of all things, a large catapult had been set up. Max was sitting warily in its bowl while Chris watched nearby.
A short but grandiose fanfare played. "Say hello to the 'Hurl of Shame'!" Chris introduced excitedly, the series' sombre farewell tune beginning in the background. "Patent pending."
"I shall have my REVENGE!!" Max declared before he was catapulted into the air and hurled off into the distance over the lake.
"One down, thirteen to go," Chris told the camera with a grin, the series' capstone theme starting up. "Who's next in line? Find out next time, right here," he pointed downward, "on Total! Drama! Revenge of the Island!"
The camera jumped outward with each part of the title as usual, ending with a long-distance shot of Wawanakwa with the moon's broken reflection shimmering on the surface of the lake.
(Roll the Credits)

media.tenor.com/ydMWvQCt6MIAAAAC/horny-shrek.gif
Video: Mirror - Shrek
This is part of a series exploring the hidden motives and actions of the main players during Robert's Rebellion, named LBJ in reference to the influence of Lyndon B. Johnson and the Vietnam War on GRRM's views and writings on war. LBJ also indicates considerations over whether Lyanna + Bobby B = Jon Snow. Previous installments include:

• Rhaegar Had To Be A Warrior
• Why Did Rhaegar Crown Lyanna?
  • Ice, Ice Baby?
  • Political Suicide?
  • Was She 'A Very Kinky Girl'?
• The Forging of Lightbringer: Blue Flowers & Narrow Visors
• Rhaegar Mistakenly Crowned Lyanna
• I am not fond of fish, but when fish is served, I eat it.
• All is fair in love and war...
• Kingsguard Loyalty
• Southron Ambitions & Lies
• The Return of the Prince: Éowyn at the Trident

In the last part, we combed through evidence that Lyanna fought disguised as Rhaegar at the Trident. We'll now examine why Cersei's torture of the Blue Bard indicates that Rhaegar was tortured by Robert, for the crime of crowning his beloved Lyanna with winter roses in front of half the realm.

"It saddens me to see Your Grace so careworn. I say, run off and play and leave the King's Hand to hear these tiresome petitions. We could dress as serving girls and spend the day amongst the smallfolk, to hear what they are saying of the fall of Dragonstone. I know the inn where the Blue Bard plays when he is not singing attendance on the little queen, and a certain cellar where a conjurer turns lead into gold, water into wine, and girls into boys. Perhaps he would work his spells on the two of us. Would it amuse Your Grace to be a man one night?"

- A Feast for Crows Cersei VIII

Mirror on the Wall: King Robert vs. Queen Cersei

Robert is practiced at shutting his eyes to things he’d rather not see, like when he can’t admit he’s too fat for his armor (like Cersei assumes washerwomen shrunk her gowns) or when he pretends wine made him hurt his queen (which Cersei reenacts on Taena, but is frustrated when that Myrish slut enjoys it). Robert fills his court with corrupt lickspittles and admits on his deathbed that he was a bad king when previously he expected Ned to say otherwise. Likewise, Cersei assumes she’s a political mastermind, basically Tywin with teats. In answer to Robert grooming Barra's barely pubescent mother, Cersei grooms and psychologically scars young Lancel (and Tyrek too for all we know). Robert incestuously cheats with his Estermont cousin early in his reign, so Cersei rekindles incest with her brother Jaime. Cersei has bastards killed who could threaten her own children's claims, and Robert tries to have Dany and her unborn child killed to protect the throne from dragonspawn. Robert pretends to care about his baseborn children, and people doubt Cersei loves anyone as more than an extension of herself (although Varys disagrees). Robert does seem to realize he doesn’t love his heirs, which raises the question of whether or not he knew they were bastards.

To her credit, Cersei did not look away. “He saw us. You love your children, do you not?”
Robert had asked him the very same question, the morning of the melee. He gave her the same answer. “With all my heart.”
“No less do I love mine.”

- A Game of Thrones Eddard XII
King Robert and Queen Cersei are an exercise in avoiding hypocritical analysis; any fault decried in one is reflected in the other in a role-appropriate way. Both lie to themselves and others, drink in excess, have cruel tempers, are physically and sexually abusive, and are terrible parents and rulers. Martin has clearly written Robert and Cersei to mirror one another, and if we saw Robert’s inner monologue, surely it would reveal that he’s just as arrogant and delusional as his wife.
It’s often claimed Robert was unaware of the illegitimacy of his heirs, as he would have gone berserk had he known. If one believes Robert would have executed Cersei for cuckolding him, then it must also be true that Rhaegar incurred Robert’s hatred when he crowned Lyanna with sexually suggestive winter roses in front of half the realm. In fact, we know he did:

As for Robert Baratheon himself, some say he laughed at the prince’s gesture, claiming that Rhaegar had done no more than pay Lyanna her due…but those who knew him better say the young lord brooded on the insult, and that his heart hardened toward the Prince of Dragonstone from that day forth.

- The Fall of the Dragons: The Year of the False Spring The World of Ice and Fire
Given his family history of Targaryen betrayal, when the Laughing Storm rebelled against the Iron Throne over a broken betrothal, as well as his possessiveness of Lyanna, Robert would seek vengeance over Rhaegar's actions at Harrenhal. So when Robert talks about Rhaegar raping Lyanna, it’s easy to imagine that he’s reinforcing a lie to himself. Similar to how he projects Lyanna onto Cersei on their wedding night, Robert is capable of projecting his own actions onto Rhaegar. Robert is the person who actually had sex with Lyanna… but only once.

The king touched her cheek, his fingers brushing across the rough stone as gently as if it were living flesh. “I vowed to kill Rhaegar for what he did to her.”
“You did,” Ned reminded him.
“Only once,” Robert said bitterly.

- A Game of Thrones Eddard I
This subtext is mirrored by Jon Connington's implied love for Rhaegar. Connington laments that Rhaegar ass-ended his tower only once, then indicates that all the girls cried when Rhaegar played his harp, implying that Lyanna crying over Rhaegar's music was nothing special.

Yet when they parted, Jon Connington did not go to the sept. Instead his steps led him up to the roof of the east tower, the tallest at Griffin's Roost. As he climbed he remembered past ascents—a hundred with his lord father, who liked to stand and look out over woods and crags and sea and know that all he saw belonged to House Connington, and one (only one!) with Rhaegar Targaryen. Prince Rhaegar was returning from Dorne, and he and his escort had lingered here a fortnight. He was so young then, and I was younger. Boys, the both of us. At the welcoming feast, the prince had taken up his silver-stringed harp and played for them. A song of love and doom, Jon Connington recalled, and every woman in the hall was weeping when he put down the harp. Not the men, of course. Particularly not his own father, whose only love was land. Lord Armond Connington spent the entire evening trying to win the prince to his side in his dispute with Lord Morrigen.

- A Dance with Dragons The Griffon Reborn
Robert's false accusation of rape mirrors Lord Mathis Rowan's daughter's lie which landed Dareon, a singer and harpist, on the Wall; if Arya had this information, maybe she wouldn't have murdered him for desertion.

It made her angry to see Dareon sitting there so brazen, making eyes at Lanna as his fingers danced across the harp strings.

_

He is a man of the Night's Watch, she thought, as he sang about some stupid lady throwing herself off some stupid tower because her stupid prince was dead. The lady should go kill the ones who killed her prince. And the singer should be on the Wall.

- A Feast for Crows Cat of the Canals
So when one considers that our favorite evil queen had an innocent singer imprisoned and tortured on trumped up charges, it then should not come as a shock that the fan-favorite warrior king would do something similar.

The Blue Bard Mirror

Cersei has the Blue Bard arrested and tortured in the dungeons, framing him for seducing Margaery. Afraid of Maggy the Frog's prophecies and thus jealous of Margaery, Cersei imprisons the young queen's favorite musician, accusing him of bedding her. She enlists Qyburn to torture a false confession from the Blue Bard and lies to herself about its veracity. The main beats of Cersei's motives and actions here 'rhyme' with what actually happened to Rhaegar: jealous over the prophecy-minded, musical prince's use of pale blue roses at Harrenhal, which according to Bael the Bard's song indicates a desire to bed and father a child on a Stark maiden, Robert imprisoned and tortured Rhaegar, also having Lyanna imprisoned in the tower of joy with Dorne's help, raped her, and lied about Rhaegar's guilt.
What follows is an examination of the Blue Bard torture scene from A Feast for Crows, Cersei IX.
Like Bael the Bard, the Blue Bard is linked to pale blue roses, signaling that his story is relevant to mysteries surrounding Lyanna.

“Not kind,” said Cersei, “merely truthful. Taena tells me that you are called the Blue Bard.”
“I am, Your Grace.” The singer’s boots were supple blue calfskin, his breeches fine blue wool. The tunic he wore was pale blue silk slashed with shiny blue satin. He had even gone so far as to dye his hair blue, in the Tyroshi fashion. Long and curly, it fell to his shoulders and smelled as if it had been washed in rosewater. From blue roses, no doubt. At least his teeth are white. They were good teeth, not the least bit crooked.
“You have no other name?”

His eyes are like Robert's eyes, beckoning readers to 'see':

A hint of pink suffused his cheeks. “As a boy, I was called Wat. A fine name for a plowboy, less fitting for a singer.”
The Blue Bard’s eyes were the same color as Robert’s. For that alone, she hated him. “It is easy to see why you are Lady Margaery’s favorite.”
“Her Grace is kind. She says I give her pleasure.”
“Oh, I’m certain of it. Might I see your lute?”
“If it please Your Grace.” Beneath the courtesy, there was a faint hint of unease, but he handed her the lute all the same. One does not refuse the queen’s request.
Cersei plucked a string and smiled at the sound. “Sweet and sad as love. Tell me, Wat . . . the first time you took Margaery to bed, was that before she wed my son, or after?”
For a moment he did not seem to understand. When he did, his eyes grew large. “Your Grace has been misinformed. I swear to you, I never—”

vs.

For a moment Robert did not seem to understand what Ned was saying. Defiance was not a dish he tasted often. Slowly his face changed as comprehension came. His eyes narrowed and a flush crept up his neck past the velvet collar. He pointed an angry finger at Ned. "You are the King's Hand, Lord Stark. You will do as I command you, or I'll find me a Hand who will."

- A Game of Thrones Eddard VIII
Not only do these passages share certain words and syntax, but they also reinforce both Cersei and Robert's rash, retaliatory natures. Both expect to be obeyed.
Cersei's violence towards the singer even evokes Robert smashing the rubies off Rhaegar's armor at the Trident.

“Liar!” Cersei smashed the lute across the singer’s face so hard the painted wood exploded into shards and splinters. “Lord Orton, summon my guards and take this creature to the dungeons.”
Orton Merryweather’s face was damp with fear. “This . . . oh, infamy . . . he dared seduce the queen?”
“I fear it was the other way around, but he is a traitor all the same. Let him sing for Lord Qyburn.”
The Blue Bard went white. “No.” Blood dripped from his lip where the lute had torn it. “I never . . .” When Merryweather seized him by the arm, he screamed, “Mother have mercy, no.”
“I am not your mother,” Cersei told him.

Cersei retorts that she's not the Blue Bard's mother, before having Wat tortured out of jealousy of her step-daughter Margaery, who she thinks is the younger queen from Maggy's prophecy. This is clearly meant to reflect the story of Snow White, in which her vain and wicked step-mother is told by a magic mirror that the princess is more beautiful, leading her to send a huntsman to kill her. He takes Snow White into the deep of the wood but lets her flee, presenting a boar's heart to the evil queen instead. Similarly, Robert is a huntsman who is killed by a boar, with the aid of strongwine supplied by Cersei.

Dorcas put a silver looking glass into her hand. Very good, the queen thought, smiling at her reflection.

- A Feast for Crows Cersei V
I've previously argued that the queen of love and beauty's laurel at Harrenhal was actually formed from white roses and mistaken as pale blue like frost in shadow. "The Blue Bard went white" is just one of many pieces of text that foreshadows this reveal. Azor Ahai forges Lightbringer, so it makes sense that solutions to major mysteries would involve light phenomena.

Even in the black cells, all they got from him were denials, prayers, and pleas for mercy. Before long, blood was streaming down his chin from all his broken teeth, and he wet his dark blue breeches three times over, yet still the man persisted in his lies. “Is it possible we have the wrong singer?” Cersei asked.
“All things are possible, Your Grace. Have no fear. The man will confess before the night is done.” Down here in the dungeons, Qyburn wore roughspun wool and a blacksmith’s leather apron. To the Blue Bard he said, “I am sorry if the guards were rough with you. Their courtesies are sadly lacking.” His voice was kind, solicitous. “All we want from you is the truth.”
“I’ve told you the truth,” the singer sobbed. Iron shackles held him hard against the cold stone wall.
“We know better.” Qyburn had a razor in his hand, its edge gleaming faintly in the torchlight. He cut away the Blue Bard’s clothing, until the man was naked but for his high blue boots. The hair between his legs was brown, Cersei was amused to see. “Tell us how you pleasured the little queen,” she commanded.

vs.

There was a faint blue shimmer to the thing, a ghost-light that played around its edges, and somehow Will knew it was sharper than any razor.

- A Game of Thrones Prologue
Qyburn slices off the Blue Bard's nipple and the wet red eye weeps blood... Margaery may favor his music, but it's obvious they did not have a sexual relationship. Lyanna also was moved to tears by Rhaegar's music, but that doesn't mean she desired him. This series is called A Song of Ice & Fire, so it's appropriate to hide major clues to its most important mysteries in a singer's tale.

“I never . . . I sang, was all, I sang and played. Her ladies will tell you. They were always with us. Her cousins.”
“How many of them did you have carnal knowledge of?”
“None of them. I’m just a singer. Please.”
Qyburn said, “Your Grace, mayhaps this poor man only played for Margaery whilst she entertained other lovers.”
Lord Qyburn ran a hand up the Blue Bard’s chest. “Does she take your nipples in her mouth during your love play?” He took one between his thumb and forefinger, and twisted. “Some men enjoy that. Their nipples are as sensitive as a woman’s.” The razor flashed, the singer shrieked. On his chest a wet red eye wept blood. Cersei felt ill. Part of her wanted to close her eyes, to turn away, to make it stop. But she was the queen and this was treason. Lord Tywin would not have turned away.

vs.

The dragon prince sang a song so sad it made the wolf maid sniffle, but when her pup brother teased her for crying she poured wine over his head.

- A Storm of Swords Bran II
Like Cersei mentally distorts reality to believe Margaery seduced the Blue Bard, it's easy to imagine Robert convincing himself that Lyanna tempted Rhaegar, to try to make sense of the insult at Harrenhal:

In the end the Blue Bard told them his whole life, back to his first name day. His father had been a chandler and Wat was raised to that trade, but as a boy he found he had more skill at making lutes than barrels. When he was twelve he ran off to join a troupe of musicians he had heard performing at a fair. He had wandered half the Reach before coming to King’s Landing in hopes of finding favor at court.
“Favor?” Qyburn chuckled. “Is that what women call it now? I fear you found too much of it, my friend . . . and from the wrong queen. The true one stands before you.”
Yes. Cersei Robert blamed Margaery Tyrell Lyanna for this. If not for her, Wat Rhaegar might have lived a long and fruitful life, singing his little songs and bedding pig girls princesses and crofter’s lord’s daughters. Her scheming forced this on me. She has soiled me with her treachery.

Cersei urges the Blue Bard to recant certain accusations, reinforcing the fact that people of means have privileges, a theme of King Robert's reign:

"Not true, Your Grace," protested a wispy young man who must have been Caswell. "What is mine is yours."
"Whenever someone said that to my brother Robert, he took them at their word," Renly said.
"Do you have daughters?"
"Yes, Your Grace. Two."
"Then thank the gods that I am not Robert. My sweet queen is all the woman I desire." Renly held out his hand to help Margaery to her feet. "We'll talk again when you've had a chance to refresh yourself, Lady Catelyn."

- A Clash of Kings Catelyn II
vs.

By dawn the singer’s high blue boots were full of blood, and he had told them how Margaery would fondle herself as she watched her cousins pleasuring him with their mouths. At other times he would sing for her whilst she sated her lusts with other lovers. “Who were they?” the queen demanded, and the wretched Wat named Ser Tallad the Tall, Lambert Turnberry, Jalabhar Xho, the Redwyne twins, Osney Kettleblack, Hugh Clifton, and the Knight of Flowers.
That displeased her. She dare not besmirch the name of the hero of Dragonstone. Besides, no one who knew Ser Loras would ever believe it. The Redwynes could not be a part of it either. Without the Arbor and its fleet, the realm could never hope to rid itself of this Euron Crow’s Eye and his accursed ironmen. “All you are doing is spitting up the names of men you saw about her chambers. We want the truth!”
“The truth.” Wat looked at her with the one blue eye that Qyburn had left him. Blood bubbled through the holes where his front teeth had been. “I might have . . . misremembered.”
“Horas and Hobber had no part of this, did they?”
“No,” he admitted. “Not them.”
“As for Ser Loras, I am certain Margaery took pains to hide what she was doing from her brother.”
“She did. I remember now. Once I had to hide under the bed when Ser Loras came to see her. He must never know, she said.”

The previous line draws attention to a gaping hole in the Rhaegar red herring: Rhaegar believed his children by Elia were heads of the dragon, his son Aegon the prince that was promised, and yet he allegedly left three Kingsguard with Lyanna while leaving none to protect his other children. He also failed to explain their disappearance, when doing so would have gone a long way towards keeping his and Lyanna's families alive.

“I am not lying. Ser Amory dragged Princess Rhaenys out from under her father’s bed and stabbed her to death. He had some men-at-arms with him, but I do not know their names.” He leaned forward. “It was Ser Gregor Clegane who smashed Prince Aegon’s head against a wall and raped your sister Elia with his blood and brains still on his hands.”

- A Storm of Swords Tyrion IX
Wat is kept in the black cells and given milk of the poppy for his pain. He is told by Cersei that he can take the black if he lies sufficiently, so he continues to lie when the Faith gets ahold of and also tortures him. Ned was likewise kept in the black cells, feverish from his broken leg but denied milk of the poppy, then was given a similar deal, the black in exchange for lying and dishonoring himself, before being beheaded on the steps of the Sept of Baelor.

“I prefer this song to the other.” Leave the great lords out of it, that was for the best. The others, though . . . Ser Tallad had been a hedge knight, Jalabhar Xho was an exile and a beggar, Clifton was the only one of the little queen’s guardsman. And Osney is the plum that makes the pudding. “I know you feel better for having told the truth. You will want to remember that when Margaery comes to trial. If you were to start lying again . . .”
“I won’t. I’ll tell it true. And after . . .”
“. . . you will be allowed to take the black. You have my word on that.” Cersei turned to Qyburn. “See that his wounds are cleaned and dressed, and give him milk of the poppy for the pain.”
“Your Grace is good.” Qyburn dropped the bloody razor into a pail of vinegar. “Margaery may wonder where her bard has gone.”
“Singers come and go, they are infamous for it.”
The climb up the dark stone steps from the black cells left Cersei feeling breathless. I must rest. Getting to the truth was wearisome work, and she dreaded what must follow. I must be strong. What I must do I do for Tommen and the realm. It was a pity that Maggy the Frog was dead. Piss on your prophecy, old woman. The little queen may be younger than I, but she has never been more beautiful, and soon she will be dead.

Ahem...

It rained all through that night, and come morning Ned, Lem, and Watty the Miller awoke with chills. Watty could not keep his breakfast down, and young Ned was feverish and shivering by turns, with skin clammy to the touch.

- A Storm of Swords Arya VIII
Of interest, the only time our author's name appears in the canon is applied to Lord Confessor George Graceford, a notorious torturer during the reign of Aegon III who had a knack for extracting false confessions. Because of this, and in light of mirrored text during Qyburn's torture of the Blue Bard, surely this scene is of utmost importance in unravelling hidden truths.
Like Cersei with the Blue Bard, Robert may have wanted to witness the torture of Rhaegar. Previously, we saw indications that Rhaegar and/or his companions were held in Ghaston Grey, the Alcatraz-style island prison in the Sea of Dorne. Yet it's also possible Rhaegar was held for a time on the mainland, perhaps at Summerhall or even Storm's End, where Robert lingered while trying to consolidate his military power:

The king's voice was thick with anger. "My brother had a gift for inspiring loyalty. Even in his foes. At Summerhall he won three battles in a single day, and brought Lords Grandison and Cafferen back to Storm's End as prisoners. He hung their banners in the hall as trophies. Cafferen's white fawns were spotted with blood and Grandison's sleeping lion was torn near in two. Yet they would sit beneath those banners of a night, drinking and feasting with Robert. He even took them hunting. 'These men meant to deliver you to Aerys to be burned,' I told him after I saw them throwing axes in the yard. 'You should not be putting axes in their hands.' Robert only laughed. I would have thrown Grandison and Cafferen into a dungeon, but he turned them into friends. Lord Cafferen died at Ashford Castle, cut down by Randyll Tarly whilst fighting for Robert. Lord Grandison was wounded on the Trident and died of it a year after. My brother made them love him, but it would seem that I inspire only betrayal. Even in mine own blood and kin. Brother, grandfather, cousins, good uncle . . ."

- A Storm of Swords Davos IV
In testament to how easy it is to be duped into supporting conflicts based on lies, just as Robert and his allies garnered support for the rebellion based on malicious propaganda, consider this fact about the film The Rock, set at Alcatraz:

A scene from the film was the basis for incorrect and false descriptions of the Iraqi chemical weapons program. Britain’s Secret Intelligence Service was led to believe Saddam Hussein was continuing to produce weapons of mass destruction by a false agent who based his reports on the movie the false claims of weapons of mass destruction were the justification for UK’s entering the war.)

Video: The Rock - Ranger Bob
Going forward, we'll continue the examination of evidence that Robert Baratheon truly earned his moniker the Demon of the Trident, showing that he went along with a deceptive plot to overthrow the Targaryen dynasty, and even raped Lyanna after his loss at Ashford. We will then conclude by examining Ned's inner turmoil, indicting his best friend and king. To preview where this series is headed, in its full audio/visual glory with greater detail, look here.

https://ogjre.com/clip/for-gillian-robertson-social-situations-are-harder-than-fighting
Transcript of video:
Everything is weird about this for me. It's just like, I don't, I'm just like, I guess a socially awkward kind of, don't really put myself out there. Well, I do with fighting, but it's like, I've never really put myself out there in life. So it's like to be in these kinds of positions, it's just, it's all a lot for me. Wow. Well, it's amazing that the way you handle fighting, you can handle this the same way you handle fighting. You just get comfortable with it. I think that, I don't know, for me, social situations are a lot harder than like fighting situations. Wow. That's crazy. Oh yeah. Has it always been like that? 100%. Since you were a child? Yeah. I feel like I've always been like the socially awkward kid in the back of the class, like the nerd. Well, I still am at the gym, but I volunteered with animals my whole life. I volunteered at the Humane Society, a horse rescue, wildlife rehab, but just animals were my thing. And then it was just kind of a left field. I started kickboxing when I was 16. Just for fun? Yeah, I really don't know where it came, like what the idea was, but- Where'd you start? What gym? At Dean's gym. Oh, okay. Wow. You got lucky. So exactly. I think pro fighters worked for my dad. So I wanted to start kickboxing and then my dad found out that this guy was a pro fighter for Dean. So he ended up finding his gym and that was the first gym I started at. Wow. Well, what a great place to start. And so then you start kickboxing and how long before you decide, well, what about this MMA stuff? How long was that? I think it was probably like four or five months before I started taking the MMA class there, but I wasn't like thinking about fighting. There was a kid who was on the wrestling team at my high school who started training at Dean's gym and he was like, oh, why don't you take the MMA class? And I thought, okay, I'll have a partner. Why don't I try it? And I just kept on doing it. And then I was training like every day for like three hours a night, you know? And they're like, all right, well, why don't we just get you a fight at this point? Wow. What was it about fighting in martial arts that you became so obsessed with? I really think it was a one. I don't know what it was at first because I didn't start jujitsu, especially in the gi until like a year after I started training. But when I started gi jujitsu, I fell in love with that 100 percent where it's just the technique of it and the little tiny details of jujitsu that matter so much. Like if you put your thumb on this side of the hand or on this side of the hand, it makes a huge difference. Like the little tiny techniques that can make the difference where now a 115-pound girl at the time could do whatever she wanted to a 200-pound guy. You know, it was manhandling these guys around the room. And I'm like, just because of these techniques that I learned. And I thought that was awesome. Yeah, that is an amazing thing. It's jujitsu is the one martial art that delivers as promised, where the smaller trained person can defeat the larger untrained person. There's a lot of other martial arts. I mean, you have a better chance, but when they're really big, you know, and some guy is swinging it. If you notice how to punch a little bit and you get clubbed with one of those giant hams, you get fucked up. But if you get into a struggle, like some sort of a scramble, and you knock into some chairs and all of a sudden you get ahold of this person, now he's fucked. That's what's crazy. It's like that a small person can physically control and submit a much stronger person regularly. It happens all the time. It happens with black belts. Even in striking, it's like a person cannot know anything, but if they're big enough, they throw their hand the right way. They can knock you out. Yeah. If you get hit with Francis Ngannou's pinky, you're in trouble. Exactly. You know, there's certain people that are so powerful. The idea that you're going to stand and trade with them is crazy. They're going to hit you once and you're dead. It just doesn't work that well. Jiu-jitsu is just not the variant of space. So there's not that element of guessing where it's like, I can control and I can feel what you're going to do by touching you. It makes it a lot easier. You're not guessing what that space is striking. You're also not guessing the variables. How fast is this person? How fast am I accustomed to people punching me? Is this person much faster? Do I have to anticipate that? Because if you ever see like street fight videos, the most horrific ones are some poor asshole who wants to start a fight with someone who's a trained fighter and the trained fighter fucks them up. But you could see like they have no idea how fast things can happen. I'm sure you've seen a Joe Schilling one. Yeah. Joe Schilling one is ridiculous. But there's no way that guy could have known that that can happen that quickly. There's no way. And people don't expect like for someone like me, a lot of times I get, I would never guess that you're a fighter. For someone like Joe Schilling is still even like, oh yeah, you wouldn't like just see him. Just like an axe murderer. But you just see him walking around. Like most people you don't expect that they're... Joe Schilling you don't expect it? I don't know. He looks like a psycho to me. Yeah. But say like Ryan Hall. Ryan Hall is a great example. You don't expect him to be a fighter, but it's like you never know what somebody is capable of when it comes to sports like this. Oh, for sure. And then you get to Mikey Musimache. Yeah, exactly. That's the best example. Yeah. Mikey is a stone cold killer. And he looks like a guy who comes over to fix your computer. Like he looks like the friendliest super nerd. Oh, this video is horrible. This is street fight in a parking garage. Have you seen this? No. These guys start fucking with this dude in a parking garage. The guy trying to get away. No, he fucked the other guy up before this. This is the shorter version. Okay, this is the shorter version. So this guy, he's trying. He's like, come on, you want some? And he moves forward. This guy leg kicks him. And then this is where it gets ugly. Punches them. Bam. He's out. Yeah, you don't want that. Like what? Like it's awesome to see that stuff works, right? For people like, hey, this is real. Someone tries to attack you. You have an upper hand. But also, what are you doing? Yeah. These fucking people. I've never been in a street fight in my life. Good for you. I don't intend to ever. It's just, I don't get it. Yeah, there's, I don't see a use for fighting outside the cage for me. A lot of people anger management issues. And then there's criminals too. And you know, bad folks. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, there's a lot of weird stuff in the world. But just for me, I think it's fascinating that you are more afraid of social interaction than you're afraid of cage fighting. That might be one of the greatest lines that anyone has ever said. I think that's going to get you a lot of fans. For real. For me, it's just like literally, I never really did any kind of interviews or media or anything like that until I got in the tough house. So that's going from absolutely zero to 100%. What was that like? You were like 22 at the time? Yeah, I was 22 and I was having interviews every day. Cameras on you 24-7. Literally, after every single interview, I had to go and change my shirt because I'd be dripping sweat like I just got out the sauna. Whoa. Just so nervous after every single interview. Do you think they brought you into the house knowing that you were nervous too? Like that you're a little socially awkward in that regard and maybe that would make good television? I guess I never thought of it in that way. Obviously, they brought you in because you're skillful. But they also cast that show as a reality show. It's a very cleverly done show. It's smart the way they do it. Even with what they're doing now with Conor McGregor and Michael Chandler, it's great but perfect shit talking. When Conor tells him you'll do as you're told, it's amazing. I hope that fight takes place. But it's such a show, right? So it's not just an athletic competition. It's also they want to make sure the people are fun. Oh yeah. Our season seemed pretty tame though, I feel like in general. We had a lot of ... There was me and Montana Delarosa were the two younger girls and then everybody else I feel like was older and more mature. Around at least 30s and they were like ... Nobody was trying to start drama. Nobody was trying to get in each other's faces or we didn't have any altercations. It was a pretty chill season. That's great. So no one ever encourages any bickering or anything like that? They don't ever tell you, hey, that bitch has been science and shit. Does anybody ever do that? No, nobody ever really does anything like that. But it's just the boredom gets to you if anything else. It's like ... I feel like ... No phones, right? No phones, no TV, no music, no books, no ... Nothing. No books. Nothing at all. Oh my God. Nothing? So it's like ... Can you have a notebook? You're allowed to get a notebook and then they gave us ... We asked for coloring books and they gave us sketch pads. Oh my God, I think I would go nuts. That sounds like one of those anti-tech retreats. Exactly. Where they try to weed people off their tech addictions. I was just talking to one of the boys who's actually on the Conor McGregor season over the weekend and he said the exact same thing as me. He was like, it was the best and worst experience of my life. Because it's like when you're in the gym, there's so many highs, it's so great. But then when you go back to the house, you're just sitting there for hours and you're bored and it sucks. What do you guys do to kill time? Can you play games? Do they have ... They used to have pool, right? Yeah, I think they had a pool table and a chess table and then they have the list where you can order anything. Oh, so you could order like Monopoly? Yeah, so we would order a bunch of bullshit just trying to entertain ourselves. God, did you have good conversations? Or was it weird because you're all competitors? It's weird, well, not because we're competitors because I'm weird. That's awesome. I felt like I ... Especially back then, I wasn't able to just like, I don't know, acclimate to that, going into a house with 16 different girls that I don't really know. Right. Yeah, a completely alien experience. You're feeling a little bit awkward and you're also 22. And then also, bam, now you're on TV. It's my first time really like leaving home, I would say, for a long period of time. So it was definitely a big experience, like a lot to take on. How long ago was that now? Six years? Six years. Would you say that now you're entering into your fighting prime? Do you think that's happening right now? Oh yeah, I think this is like just the beginning of my prime. I'm just getting into where I've really found the right combination for everything and I feel like I'm just getting better every fight. Are you ranked right now? Where are you at? My next fight is against the number 15 girl, Tabitha Rickey. Interesting. She's tough. That'll be fun. That'll be a good one. Like it's coming up quick, June 24th. Oh wow, that is quick.

Respect Juggernaut

This won’t hurt me! Nothing can!
♫Theme
Cain Marko was the son of nuclear scientist Kurt Marko, who worked in Alamogordo, New Mexico with Brian Xavier. After Brian died in a lab accident, Kurt married Brian’s widow Sharon for her family’s money, resulting in Cain becoming the stepbrother of the Xavier’s son Charles, the eventual founder of the X-Men. Kurt proved to be an abusive father to both Cain and Charles, which combined with Cain’s jealousy over his brother’s telepathy, fostered a lasting resentment between the two of them. After Kurt died saving them from another lab accident, Charles and Cain would end up serving with the army together in Korea. During their service, Cain would stumble across a cave that had a temple dedicated to the powerful mystic being known as Cyttorak. Touching a crimson gem at the heart of the temple, Cain was transformed into Cyttorak’s avatar on Earth, an unstoppable human Juggernaut. Shortly after, the cave collapsed, with Xavier barely managing to escape. Years later Cain would dig his way out and seek revenge on Charles for the perceived slights he had inflicted upon him. In doing so, Cain would come into conflict with the X-Men, Hulk, Spider-Man, Thor, Doctor Strange, and many other superheroes before eventually burying the hatchet with his brother. However, despite joining the X-Men and later Thunderbolts, Cain would return to being a villain each time. Throughout his life and various goals and motivations, only one constant has remained for Cain Marko. No matter the obstacle, he will never stop.
This respect thread is abridged due to Juggernaut’s large number of appearances. A full version is available on the Juggernaut Mega Respect Thread, with links to the unabridged sections posted where appropriate.

Key and explanation of periods where Juggernaut was stronger or weaker than normal

• [50%] Briefly lost half of his power after Black Tom absorbed it
• [X] Was made weaker by Cyttorak after deciding not to do his bidding anymore
• [T] Was made weaker by Cyttorak after he was angered by Juggernaut temporarily becoming Captain Universe
• [Kuurth] Became possessed by one of the Serpent's Asgardian Worthy named Kuurth after picking up his hammer
• [Once and Future] Had his power completely removed by Cyttorak but regained it after taking the place of an alternate universe Cain Marko, though it began to fade
• [Unstoppable] Was given more power by Cyttorak than he had given anyone else

Strength

Unabridged Force Field and Advancing Sections

Force Field

• Needs his helmet to use his force field - Uncanny X-Men #32
• Transforms a metal gauntlet into a new helmet - Amazing Spider-Man #628
• Can summon his helmet and armor out of thin air - Venom: The Madness #1
• Pushes Professor X's wheelchair back with a wave of force - Uncanny X-Men #13
• Stops a 10 ton rolling steel barrel with a current of energy and rolls it back through a wall and into Beast hard enough to knock him out - Uncanny X-Men #13
• Shoots globules of sheer energy, with a single one powerful enough to break a tree in half - Uncanny X-Men #46

Advancing

• Exerts enough pressure to buckle and shatter a metal wall that had 50 times the tensile strength of battleship steel - Uncanny X-Men #12
• [Limits] Loses his footing after some stairs he was climbing are turned to ice by Iceman - Uncanny X-Men #13
• Shatters a concrete power station by running through it - Amazing Adventures #16
• His powers let him swim in water even though he should be heavy enough to sink - Amazing Adventures #16
• [Limits] Sinks in water after Colossus knocks him into it unexpectedly - Spider-Woman (1978) #38
• Knocks Hulk over a hill and shatters it with a single charge - Hulk #172
• Walks through a building while Spider-Man was trying to pull him back - Amazing Spider-Man #229
• [Limits] Sinks to bottom of a 40 foot foundation of wet cement - Amazing Spider-Man #230
• Walks through miles of bedrock and fractures the tectonic plates under Manhattan, which results in a catastrophic earthquake months later - Amazing Spider-Man #629, 628-629
• Holds onto Thor's hammer as it’s returning to him and tackles him through five boxcars and into a building hard enough to shatter part of it and knock him out - Thor #411
• Knocks down a uh... certain skyscraper by charging into it - Spider-Man (1990) #16
• Literally walks over Thunderstrike when he tries to push him back - Thunderstrike (1993) #2
• Makes footprints in concrete - Professor Xavier and the X-Men (1995) #13
• Charges into War Hulk and pushes him through hundreds of meters of rock, though Hulk is eventually able to stop his advance - Hulk #457
  • War Hulk was strong enough to lift and throw one of the pyramids of Giza - Hulk #456
• Rams his fellow Exemplar Stonecutter through a stone staircase - Juggernaut (1999) #1
• [X] Him and Sasquatch collide into each other hard enough to create a large crater in the ground, with Juggernaut being the first to recover - Uncanny X-Men #422
• [X] Climbs through a pile of wreckage and causes the ground the shake and knock cars into the air - New Excalibur (2006) #6-7
• Fights evenly with World War Hulk and pushes him back, undermining the foundation of the X-Mansion, though Hulk is able to knock him away by sidestepping him and adding to his momentum - World War Hulk: X-Men 3
  • World War Hulk was strong enough to prevent the crust of a planet from splitting by shifting tectonic plates - Hulk (2000) #102
• [T] A Raft scientist says he has endless kinetic energy and is unstoppable once he begins charging - Thunderbolts #144
• [T] Charges downwards through 1.3 kilometers of bedrock - Thunderbolts #149
• [Kuurth] The X-Men try at least 42 plans to stop him from walking towards San Francisco that all prove ineffective, including:
  • Face shooting him with a unique energy annihilation beam
  • Teleporting him to the bottom of the sea and the heart of the sun
  • Siryn combining her sound energy with Dazzler's sound-to-light powers to generate an extreme intensity laser
  • Gambit and Rockslide combining their explosion powers to create a detonation that nearly exhausted Cecilia Reyes from the effort of protecting civilians with her force shield
  • Magneto throwing an aircraft carrier into him - Uncanny X-Men #542
• Charges through a force wall government scientists couldn't find a way to penetrate - Dark Avengers #181-182
• D-Cel, a mutant that can slow down kinetic motion to the point objects stop falling, can't stop Juggernaut from advancing towards her - Juggernaut (2020) #1

Unabridged Striking and Lifting Sections

Striking

• Creates an earthquake across a valley that causes a cliff to collapse by slamming the ground - Uncanny X-Men #33
• Stuns Hulk with his blows - Hulk #172
• Backhands a 3 ton steel ball thrown at him by Spider-Man through a building, causing its side to collapse - Amazing Spider-Man #230
• Incapacitates the Thing in three hits - Secret Wars II #7
• Backhands Rogue across Edinburgh and through a stone wall - Uncanny X-Men #218
• Punches Captain Britain through hundreds of meters of ground and incapacitates him with two more strikes - Excalibur (1988) #3
• Knocks out Professor Hulk after a prolonged fight while not wearing his armor or helmet - Hulk #402
  • Professor Hulk was strong enough to punch through doors capable of withstanding a nuclear blast - Hulk #410
• Levels a building with a punch - Deadpool: The Circle Chase #2
• Splinters apart the God Machine and the glacier it was on top of in an exchange of blows with Stonecutter and overpowers him - Juggernaut (1999) #1
• [X] Punches Rhino into a concrete wall hard enough to shatter it - Uncanny X-Men #435
• [X] Causes World War Hulk spit blood with a punch - World War Hulk: X-Men #2
• Punches a force field hard enough to create earthquakes registered at magnitude 4.6 and 8.0 - Hulk #602
• [Kuurth] Destroys more than half of the Raft island prison with a strike - Fear Itself #2, Thunderbolts #158
• [Kuurth] Punches Moonstone miles away - Thunderbolts #160-161
• [Kuurth] Strikes the ground hard enough to create a massive crater and a tremor registered at magnitude 0.6 - Thunderbolts #160-161
• [Kuurth] Levels Salem Missouri with a strike - Fear Itself: The Home Front #3, Fear Itself: Youth In Revolt #3
• [Once and Future] Makes Colossus spit blood with his punches and overpowers him - Amazing X-Men (2014) #17
• [Unstoppable] Slams the ground hard enough to create a massive crater - Amazing X-Men (2014) #19
• Knocks out Immortal Hulk after a prolonged fight with the help of D-Cel and a gamma radiation siphon - Juggernaut (2020) #1
• Shatters a metal vault door - Juggernaut (2020) #4

Lifting, pushing, pulling, throwing, grip, etc.

• Snaps a steel cable as if it were paper - Uncanny X-Men #12
• Sweeps the O5 X-Men aside - Uncanny X-Men #12
• Pulls Hulk's head from behind and starts to break his neck, though he overpowers him due to getting angry - Hulk #172
• Tears apart a solid concrete wall reinforced with steel - Spider-Woman (1978) #37
• Rips off and lifts the corner of a building - Amazing Spider-Man #230
• Lifts a tank by its turret and swings it onto another tank hard enough to wreck both of them - Marvel Team-Up #150
• [50%] Black Tom with half of his power suplexes a building - Marvel Team-Up #150
• Throws the Crimson Gem of Cyttorak into orbit - Marvel Team-Up #150
• Throws a boxcar into a weakened Thor hard enough to hurt him before lifting another one and ramming it into him - Thor #411
• Sends a pile of debris created from two boxcars getting thrown into him flying with a shrug - Thor #412
• Shatters a steel cocoon encasing him - Thor #412
• Sends tanks flying with a swipe of his arm - The All New Exiles (1995) #1
• Holds up a collapsing building - The All New Exiles (1995) #3
• Rips up a massive chunk of the street and throws it into a SWAT van hard enough to crumple it - Spider-Man (1990) #84
• Throws a truck through a building while weakened - Uncanny X-Men #361
• Rips off and swings the corner of a building while weakened - Uncanny X-Men #361
• Starts crushing Thor with a bear hug - Thor (1998) #17
• [X] Pushes a tank onto its back - X-Men (1991) #160
• [X] Flexes out of ice that was covering him - New Excalibur (2006) #2-3
• [X] Holds onto a metal beam with his fingers while being dragged underground until it snaps in half - New Excalibur (2006) #7
• [T] Pins down Luke Cage - Thunderbolts #150
• [Kuurth] Magneto can't stop his hammer after he throws it despite it being made of metal - Uncanny X-Men #541
• Rips off an icicle the size of a person and throws it through a Frost Giant - Punisher Kill Krew #3
• Swings an Asgardian dragon by the tail and into the ground hard enough to crater it - Savage Avengers (2019) #14

Unabridged Durability Section

Durability w/ Force Field/Armor

Blunt

• Only slowed down slightly by a continuous optic blast from Cyclops and a punch and kick from Angel - Uncanny X-Men #13
• [Limits] Angel is able to rip off his helmet after Beast loosens it - Uncanny X-Men #13
• Fine after Hulk strikes him in the back and tears up the rock under him - Hulk #172
• Fine after Colossus kicks him into a stone wall hard enough to make it collapse on them and knock Colossus out - Uncanny X-Men #102
• Started welding his helmet on with a laser torch, making it hard for Spider-Man to pull it off - Amazing Spider-Man #230
• [50%] Fine after Spider-Man yanks out a manhole cover he was standing on while he was stretching his webbing, so that it slingshots him into Black Tom hard enough to make a building collapse - Marvel Team-Up #150
• Started bolting on his helmet, making it hard for Colossus to rip it off - Marvel Team-Up #150
• Unharmed after getting struck with 1.37 kilotons of steel by Nimrod - Uncanny X-Men #194
• No-sells a punch from Rogue that shattered every window on a street - Uncanny X-Men #218
• His force field kills all of the momentum of Thor's hammer after he threw it at him - Thor #411
• Unharmed from Nova and Namorita throwing two boxcars into him - Thor #412
• No-sells a full force hammer strike from Thor - Thor #429
• Hurt but mostly unharmed after getting punched by Post-Crisis Superman - DC Versus Marvel #1
• Knocked out but quickly recovers after getting hurled from Canada to Hoboken by Onslaught - Uncanny X-Men #322
• Fine after War Hulk throws him from Giza to Cairo - Hulk #457
• Fine after getting punched through a concrete wall by War Hulk, though he's able to remove his helmet before he can get up - Hulk #457
• No-sells Spider-Man punching him with everything he had - Spider-Man (1990) #84
• Unharmed by a rain of blows from Thor that shatter the street around them - Thor (1998) #17
• Unharmed by a optic blast from Cyclops that he says had enough force to rip a small planet in half - Cyclops (2001) #1
• Fine after getting punched from Earth to Mars by Skaar - Hulk #602
• [T] Still able to fight after taking several attacks from Thor, Luke Cage, and Iron Man that make a large crater and shatter a cliff - Thunderbolts #150
• [Kuurth] Unharmed after Hope Summers with the powers of the X-Men flies into him hard enough to shatter a highway - Uncanny X-Men #541
• A non-Mjolnir Uru hammer shatters when Thor hits him with it - Thor (2018) #1
• [Limits] Thor makes him spit teeth by hitting him with a bigger Uru hammer, though Thor broke it and dozens more to knock him out - Thor (2018) #1
• Fine after getting punched into the sewers through part of a building and the street by Venom - Venom (2018) Annual #1
• Fine after getting punched through six stories of a building by Quicksand - Juggernaut (2020) #3
• His force field stops Swarm's bees from touching him - X-Men Unlimited Infinity Comic #19

Piercing/Cutting

• No-sells a bazooka shell - Uncanny X-Men #33
• A spinning helicopter blade breaks upon hitting him - Uncanny X-Men #33
• Isn't cut by Wolverine's claws - Uncanny X-Men #102
• No-sells a concentrated barrage from assault rifles and rocket launchers that would reduce a house to splinters - Amazing Spider-Man #229
• No-sells a point blank tank round - Marvel Team-Up #150
• [Limits] Shatterstar's swords that were forged in a dimension of magic and science are able to cut through his flesh and helmet - Spider-Man (1990) #16, X-Force (1991) #4
• No-sells several tank rounds - The All New Exiles (1995) #1
• [X] No-sells assault rifle rounds - X-Men (1991) #160
• [X] Sabretooth's claws gouge but don't cut through his helmet - X-Men (1991) #162
• [X] No-sells bullets while a knife shatters upon hitting him - New Excalibur (2006) #14
• [X] Still able to fight after getting slashed across the chest and back with a sword by another Juggernaut, and catches the sword in his hand - New Excalibur (2006) #15
• [X] Fine after getting blasted through a concrete wall by some firearm - New Excalibur (2006) #16
• Unharmed from Skaar hitting him with his sword - Hulk #602
• Survives but is knocked out after getting hit by a giant Asgardian rocket launcher - Punisher Kill Krew #4

Sound

• Unharmed by a sonic scream from Banshee that shatters the stone floor under him - Uncanny X-Men #103
• Unharmed by a sonic scream from Siryn - X-Force (1991) #3
• Fine after getting hit by a sonic scream from Siryn that causes a building to collapse - Deadpool (1994) #3-4

Heat

• Unharmed by jets of chemical flame - Uncanny X-Men #13
• The Human Torch’s flames can't penetrate his force field - Uncanny X-Men #13
• Unharmed from a speeding tanker truck crashing into him and exploding - Amazing Spider-Man #230
• No-sells a microwave blast from Firestar that caused his armor to glow white hot - Thor #412
• Unharmed by Firestar melting a pile of steel girders surrounding him - Thor #412
• Unharmed from a vat of molten metal being poured on him - Deadpool (1994) #2
• Hurt but mostly unharmed after falling into molten steel while weakened - Juggernaut (1997) #1
• Rocked but doesn't fall after Inferno blasts him with enough sheer energy to vaporize countless tons of titanium steel in a split second - Avengers (1998) #24
• [X] Was supposedly fatally burned but still able to move briefly after taking the brunt of a flammable liquid explosion that destroyed part of a building - Uncanny X-Men #420
• [Kuurth] Unaffected by Adam-X igniting his blood - Uncanny X-Men #542
• Unharmed by Pyro's flames - Uncanny X-Men (2019) #16

Cold

• Unharmed after falling into a frozen lake - Cyclops (2001) #1
• [X] Fine after getting knocked through a stone wall by a stream of ice from Iceman - Uncanny X-Men #411
• [Kuurth] His helmet is only slightly cracked after Iceman lowers its temperature to absolute zero and Colossus punches it - Uncanny X-Men #541

Electricity

• Unharmed by a 20,000 volt electric fence - Amazing Adventures #16
• No-sells a lightning bolt from Storm - Uncanny X-Men #102
• No-sells a full strength venom blast from Spider-Woman - Spider-Woman (1978) #37
• Hurt but mostly fine after Storm and Spider-Woman blast him with enough electricity to cause a ship to explode - Spider-Woman (1978) #38, Amazing Spider-Man #229
• Unharmed from a million volts arcing over him - Amazing Spider-Man #229
• No-sells Thor calling down a lightning bolt on him - Thor #412
• Still conscious after Bishop channels enough volts of electricity to maintain the city of Hoboken through him while weakened - Uncanny X-Men #322
• Unharmed by electrical blasts from the Max Dillon and Francine Frye Electros - Sinister War #4

Light

• Recovers in minutes from a strobe effect created by Dazzler that she thought would stun him for an hour - Uncanny X-Men #217
• No-sells a photon blast from Dazzler that used all her power and that she says would've punched a hole through a mountain - Uncanny X-Men #217-218

Energy

• Fine after Nimrod knocks him through a concrete wall and into a construction site hard enough to make a crater with an energy blast - Uncanny X-Men #194
• A God-Blast from Thor that crumbles the concrete foundation he was standing on only pushes him back - Thor #412
• Tanks an energy blast from Frankie Raye Nova while weakened - Doctor Strange (1988) #44
• Unharmed after getting hit by an energy blast from Stellaris that created a massive hole in the road - Thunderstrike (1993) #2
• Walks through a continuous bio-energy blast from Chamber, though he's a hurt a little - Generation X (1994) #61
• No-sells an energy blast from Black Tom - Generation X (1994) #61
  • Black Tom's energy blasts can wreck a tank - Spider-Woman (1978) #38
• [X] Survives getting hit by a plasma blast from Havok that created a trench in the ground - X-Men (1991) #162-163
• [Kuurth] Unharmed after Hardball blasts him with a sphere of energy that destroys part of Las Vegas and helps cause an earthquake that collapses skyscrapers - Fear Itself: Youth In Revolt #3-5
• Tanks a blast of the power cosmic from Cosmic Ghost Rider - Wolverine: Black, White & Blood #3

Chemical

• Unharmed by Night Thrasher's acid bombs - Thor #412

Adhesive

• His force field prevents Spider-Man's webbing from sticking to him - Amazing Spider-Man #229, Marvel Team-Up #150

Biological

• Still able to fight after his fellow Exemplar Conquest hits his pressure points - Juggernaut (1999) #1
• [T] Resists being mutated by the Terrigen Mists - Thunderbolts #146
• [Kuurth] Burns out nanites in his body designed to knock him out - Thunderbolts #145, 160
• [Kuurth] Starts dissolving Mercury after she fills his lungs with his internal fauna and antibodies - Uncanny X-Men #542
• Survives but is knocked out by a plant manipulator growing valerian inside of his body - X-Men Unlimited Infinity Comic #17

Matter Manipulation

• Nimrod's disintegrator beam affects a steel I-beam he was holding but not him - Uncanny X-Men #194

Phasing

• Hurt but still able to fight after Vision briefly phases his hand into his head before increasing his density - Hulk #403
• Unharmed by Viv Vision phasing into him and becoming tangible - Deadpool (2018) #2

Magic

• [Limits] Thor is able to create a cone that negates all mystical energy and removes Juggernaut's force field by making his hammer spin around them - Thor #429
• Unharmed after hurling Stonecutter into the core of God Machine, causing it to explode and release enough mystical energy to destroy a glacier - Juggernaut (1999) #1, Avengers (1998) #24
• [T] Still able to fight after getting hit by cannon shot that had poltergeists smelted into it that emerge out of his shoulder - Thunderbolts #156-157
• Unharmed by the Scarlet Witch's hexes - Uncanny Avengers (2015) #29

Soul/Life Force

• Only has a headache after D'Spayre consumes enough of his soul/life essence to give most mortals a coronary rupture - Juggernaut (1997) #1
• [T] Quickly recovers after running through a human mutated by the Terrigen Mists that could drain life force with a touch - Thunderbolts #146-147
• [Kuurth] Casts out Ghost and Satana after the former combines his intangibility with the latter's magic to try and free his soul from Kuurth/the Serpent's control - Thunderbolts #160

Power Absorption/Nullification

• Rogue can only absorb a portion of his power - Uncanny X-Men #218
• [Kuurth] Rogue trying to absorb his powers incapacitates her - Uncanny X-Men #542
• Cut off his link to Cyttorak while keeping his powers by using the Crimson Bands of Cyttorak to make a new armor - Juggernaut (2020) #3-4
• A power dampener doesn't work on him - X-Men Unlimited Infinity Comic #14, 18
• The Human-Adaptoid can't use the Absorbing Man's powers to absorb Juggernaut's powers - X-Men Unlimited Infinity Comic #17

Mental

• His helmet protects him from any mental attack - Uncanny X-Men #13
• Unaffected by Professor X's telepathy - Uncanny X-Men #12
• Unaffected by Rachel Summers telepathy - Marvel Team-Up #150
• Eventually made a smaller helmet from scraps of the original that also protects him from mental attack, which he wears underneath it - Marvel Team-Up #150
• Resists Dazzler using light to hypnotize him - Uncanny X-Men #217
• Psylocke manages to hurt him through his helmet with a psycho blast, though it only stuns him for a moment - Uncanny X-Men #218
• Fine after getting stabbed with Psylocke's psychic knife while weakened - Uncanny X-Men #322
• Resists his fellow Exemplar Bedlam's telepathy - Juggernaut (1999) #1
• Captain Universe can't read his mind - Amazing Spider-Man #629

Durability w/o Force Field/Armor

Blunt

• Fine after Hulk swings him around hard enough to rip off his helmet and send him flying into a cliff - Hulk #172
• Fine after getting tackled from behind and through a wall by Colossus - Uncanny X-Men #183
• Unharmed from a building collapsing on him - Uncanny X-Men #183
• Fine after Rogue absorbs some of his power and throws and flies into him hard enough to create a massive crater in a rail line - Uncanny X-Men #218
• Still able to fight after getting pummeled for nearly a minute by Thor - Thor #429
• [X] Fine after getting tackled through a house by Sasquatch - Uncanny X-Men #432-433
• [X] Unharmed from a double-decker bus crashing into him hard enough to total itself - New Excalibur (2006) #3
• [X] A continuous optic blast from Earth 6141 Cyclops doesn't even slow him down - New Excalibur (2006) #3
• Survives getting thrown to Earth from orbit by Captain Universe - Amazing Spider-Man #629, 627
• [T] King Hyperion hurts his hand punching Juggernaut in the head repeatedly - Thunderbolts #153
• [Kuurth] Tanks getting tackled through the deck of the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge by Colossusnaut - Uncanny X-Men #543
• [Kuurth] Still able to fight after getting pummeled by Colossusnaut hard enough to collapse a building - Uncanny X-Men #543

Piercing/Cutting

• No-sells a tank round - Excalibur (1988) #3
• [X] Unharmed by minigun rounds - Uncanny X-Men #433
• [X] Still able to fight after getting stabbed in the abdomen by Rhino's horn - Uncanny X-Men #435

Sound

• [Limits] Incapacitated by tight beam ultra high frequency sonics from Nimrod - Uncanny X-Men #194
• [T] Still able to stand after Iron Man blasts him with enough localized sound to put down a whole regiment - Thunderbolts #150

Cold

• Unharmed from getting encased in ice by Iceman - Uncanny X-Men #33
• [X] Unharmed from getting covered in ice by Earth 6141 Iceman - New Excalibur (2006) #2-3
• [Once and Future] Tanks getting launched into the air by a stream of ice from Iceman - Amazing X-Men (2014) #17

Heat

• [T] Hurt but mostly fine after getting hit by King Hyperion’s atomic vision - Thunderbolts #153

Gravity

• [X] Survives getting sucked in by Xorn's black hole along with the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants and ending up in the Mojoverse, though they survived as well - X-Men (1991) #164, Uncanny X-Men #460

Light

• [X] Unharmed after getting launched far into the distance by a photon blast from Dazzler

Energy

• No-sells a continuous energy blast from Nimrod right after he used one to create a large hole in a concrete wall - Uncanny X-Men #194
• [X] Fine after getting knocked through a thick stone wall by an energy blast from the Shadow King - New Excalibur (2006) #3
• Unharmed after getting knocked through a concrete wall and from Upper Manhattan to the New Jersey Palisades by an energy blast from Captain Universe - Amazing Spider-Man #627-628

Chemical

• [X] Unharmed by Mammomax's stomach acid - X-Men (1991) #164

Biological

• [X] Possibly unaffected by Polaris trying to reverse his blood flow with magnetism to knock him out - Uncanny X-Men #426

Mental

• Manages to keep moving out of hatred after Professor X attacks him telepathically, though he's knocked out with a second attack - Uncanny X-Men #13
• [Kuurth] Emma Frost is incapacitated from trying to affect his mind - Uncanny X-Men #541-542
• [Unstoppable] Rachel Summers can't read his mind - Amazing X-Men (2014) #19

Unabridged Endurance, Speed, Skill, and Temporary Powers Sections

Endurance and Regeneration

• Barely slowed down by enough sleeping gas to stop a herd of elephants and a gas that causes loss of balance - Uncanny X-Men #12
• Doesn't get tired - Amazing Adventures #16
• Starts to age rapidly due to strange forces in a dimension Eternity cast him into, but is able to remain young as long as he feels hate - Doctor Strange #182, Amazing Adventures #16, Hulk #172
• Doesn't need air, food, or water - Amazing Spider-Man #230, 629
• Quickly regenerates after getting stabbed in the eye and cut several times by Shatterstar's swords - Spider-Man (1990) #16, X-Force (1991) #4
• Still able to move after D'Spayre absorbs most of his power and uses it to reduce him to a skeleton, and quickly regenerates after getting it restored - Juggernaut (1997) #1
• [X] Seems like he needed air after being weakened - Uncanny X-Men #412
• [X] Later walked from somewhere in the Yellow Sea to South Korea however - New Excalibur (2006) #13-14
• [T] Needs air - Thunderbolts #145
• [T] Still able to fight after King Hyperion breaks his knee - Thunderbolts #153

Speed

• Grabs Angel and shoves him into the path of Cyclops optic blast before he can redirect it - Uncanny X-Men #13
• Nearly as fast as Beast and ducks under a tree swung by him - Amazing Adventures #16
• Catches a girder slingshot at him by Spider-Man - Amazing Spider-Man #230
• Slaps Speedball out of the air - Thor #412
  • Speedball was fast enough to dodge gunmen at point blank range - Speedball #1
• Tags Spider-Man with a backhand after tearing off some webbing he sprayed in his eyes - X-Force (1991) #4
• Smashes through a wall to catch two people falling - The All New Exiles (1995) #2
• Fights evenly with Conquest, who was fast enough to grab Quicksilver on the run - Juggernaut (1999) #1, Avengers (1998) #25
• Dodges energy blasts from two Sentinels using some kind of hovercraft - X-Men Forever (2001) #5
• [Kuurth] Catches up to a speedster called Nonstop - Fear Itself: Youth In Revolt #3
• [Kuurth] Colossusnaut says he's faster than him even as he runs into Kuurth and accelerates to 600 miles per hour - Uncanny X-Men #543
• [Once and Future] Tags Nightcrawler and Rachel Summers with backhands and knocks the former into Northstar despite Rachel warning them he would attack with her telepathy - Amazing X-Men (2014) #17

Skill

• [X] Fights well against someone with the full power of the Juggernaut using his skill and experience - Uncanny X-Men #436
• [X] Catches Dazzler after she blinded him by listening for her position - New Excalibur (2006) #19
• [T] Lets a Hand ninja get in close so he can grab him - Thunderbolts #148-149

Temporary Powers

Telepathy

• Somehow absorbed Professor X's telepathy after he tried to drain his powers with a machine - Uncanny X-Men #32
• Reads the O5 X-Men's minds to anticipate their moves - Uncanny X-Men #32
• Knocks out Jean Grey with a mental bolt - Uncanny X-Men #32
• Never used telepathy after this

Mystic Abilities

• Gained mystic abilities while trapped in the Crimson Cosmos - Uncanny X-Men #33, Doctor Strange #182
• Casts mystic spells that shrink Nightmare to his size and makes him collide into him when Nightmare was large enough to hold the Earth in his hands - Doctor Strange #182
• Him and Nightmare cast spells that shatter a chunk of rock and destroy bonds of cosmic force that held Eternity - Doctor Strange #180, 182
• Gave up his mystic abilities in exchange for having his youth restored - Hulk #172

Trion

• Became more powerful than ever after getting possessed by an evil spirit - X-Men (1991) #88
• Grows to giant size - X-Men (1991) #88, Uncanny X-Men #369
• Punches through the fabric of spacetime - X-Men (1991) #88

Captain Universe

• Became Captain Universe after being chosen by the Enigma Force - Amazing Spider-Man #629
• Traps Spider-Man in a force sphere and repairs fractures to the tectonic plates under Manhattan to prevent a catastrophic earthquake - Amazing Spider-Man #629

Kuurth

• Can fly - Thunderbolts #160-161
• Calls down lightning - Thunderbolts #158
• Colossus says his lightning could incinerate armies - Uncanny X-Men #543
• Possesses a man by touching him with his hammer - Uncanny X-Men #540
• Teleports back after Pixie teleports him to the bottom of sea, low Earth orbit, and the heart of the sun - Uncanny X-Men #542

Once upon a time, there was a man. A man who got everything he wanted. In the end it wasn’t enough. In truth, it could never be enough. No amount of power could change who he was. It could never quench his thirst for power. He was now and forever the Juggernaut. And he would never stop.

There are instincts that you develop when you’re a parent. If you don’t have any children it might be a little hard to understand. If you have a toddler, for example, and they’re in the other room and silent for more than a few seconds, there’s a good chance they’re up to no good. I take that back, most of the time they’re doing nothing, but you still have to check. You feel a compulsion to check. I don’t think it’s a learned skill, I think it’s an actual instinct.
Paleolithic parents who didn’t check on their toddlers every few minutes, just to double check that they weren’t being stalked by smilodons were unlikely to have grandchildren and pass on their genes. You just feel you need to check, like getting goosebumps, a compulsion. I suppose it’s the same reason little kids are always demanding you look at them and what they’re doing.
I think that instinct starts to atrophy as your kids grow. They start learning to do things for themselves, and before you know it, they’re after their own privacy, not your attention. I don’t think it ever goes away though. I expect, decades from now, my own grown kids will visit and bring my grandkids with them. And the second I hear a baby crying in the earliest morning hours, I’ll be alert and ready for anything, sure as any old soldier who hears his name whispered in the dark of night.
I felt that alarm just the other day. First time in years. My boy came home from riding bikes with a couple of his friends. I’m pretty sure they worked out a scam where they asked each of their parents for a different new console for Christmas, and now they spend their weekends traveling between the three houses so they can play on all of them.
We all live in a nice neighborhood. A newer development than the one I grew up in, same town though. It’s the kind of place where kids are always playing in the streets, and the cars all routinely do under 20. My wife and I make sure the kids have helmets and pads, and we’re fine with the boy going out biking with his friends, as long as they stay in the neighborhood.
You know, a lot of people in my generation take some weird sort of pride in how irresponsible we used to be when we were young. I never wore a helmet. Rode to places, without telling any adults, that we never should have ridden to. Me and my friends would make impromptu jumps off of makeshift ramps and try to do stupid tricks, based loosely on stunts we’d seen on TV. Other people my age seem to wax nostalgic for that stuff and pretend it makes them somehow better people. I don’t get it. Sometimes I look back and shudder. We were lucky we escaped with only occasional bruises and road burns. It could have gone so much worse.
My son and his buddies came bustling in the front door at about 2 PM on a Saturday. They did the usual thing of raiding the kitchen for juice and his mother’s brownies, and I took that as my cue to abandon the television in the living room for my office. I was hardly noticing the chaos, by this point, it was becoming a regular weekend occurrence. But as I was just leaving, I caught something in the chatter. My boy said something about, “... that guy who was following us.”
He hadn’t said it any louder or more clearly than anything else they’d been talking about, all that stuff I’d been filtering out. Yet some deeper core process in my brain stem heard it, interpreted it, then hit the red alert button. My blood ran cold and every hair on my skin stood at attention.
I turned around and asked “Somebody followed you? What are you talking about?” I wasn’t consciously aware of how strict and stern my voice came out, yet when the jovial smiles dropped off of their faces it was apparent that it had been so.
“Huh?” my son said, his voice high-pitched and talking fast, like when he thinks he’s in trouble and needs to explain. “We thought we saw somebody following us. There wasn’t though. We didn’t really see anybody and we’d just spooked ourselves.”
“What did he look like?” I asked.
“Nothing? We really didn’t see anybody! Honest! I just saw something out of the corner of my eye! But there wasn’t really nobody there!”
“Yeah!,” said one of his buds. “Peripheral! Peripheral vision! I thought maybe I saw something too, but when I looked I didn’t see anything. I don’t have my glasses with me, but when I really looked I got a good look and there was nothing.”
The three boys had that semi-smiling but still concerned look that this was only a bizarre misunderstanding, but they were still being very sincere. “Were they in a car?”
“No, Dad, you don’t get it,” my boy continued, “They were small. We thought it was a kid.”
“Yeah,” said the third boy. “We thought maybe it was Tony Taylor’s stupid kid sister shadowing us. Getting close to throwing water balloons. Just cause she did that before.”
“If you didn’t get a good look how did you know it was a kid?”
“Because it was small!” my kid explained, though that wasn’t helping much. “What I mean is, at first I thought it was behind a little bush. It was way too small a bush to hide a grown-up. That’s why we thought it was probably Tony’s sister.”
“But you didn’t actually see Tony’s sister?” I asked.
“Nah,” said one of his buds. “And now that I think about it, that bush was probably too small for his sister too. It would have been silly. Like when a cartoon character hides behind a tiny object.”
“That’s why we think it was just in our heads,” explained the other boy, “That and the pole.”
“Yeah,” my son said. “The park on 14th and Taylor?” That was just a little community park, a single city block. Had a playground, lawn, a few trees, and some benches. “Anyway, we were riding past that, took a right on Taylor. And we were talking about how weird it would be if somebody really were following us. That’s when Brian thought he saw something. Behind a telephone pole.”
“I didn’t get a good look at it either,” the friend, Brian, “explained. Just thought I did. Know how you get up late at night to use the bathroom or whatever and you look down the hallway and you see a jacket or an office chair or something and because your eyes haven’t adjusted you think you see a ghost or burglar or something? Anyway, I thought I saw something out of the corner of my eye, but when I turned there wasn’t anything there.”
“Yeah, it was just like sometimes that happens, except this time it happened twice on the same bike ride, is all,” the other friend explained.
“And you’re sure there was nothing there?”
“Sure we’re sure,” my boy said. “We know because that time we checked. We each rode our bikes around the pole and there was nothing. Honest!”
“Hmmm,” I said. The whole thing seemed reasonable and nothing to be concerned about, you’d think.. The boys seemed to relax at my supposed acceptance. “Alright, sounds good. Hey, just let me know before you leave the house again, alright?” They all rushed to seem agreeable as I left the room, then quickly resumed their snacking and preceded to play their games.
I kept my ear out, just in case. My boy, at least this time, dutifully told me his friends were about to leave. He wasn’t very happy with me when I said they wouldn’t be riding home on their bikes, I was going to drive them home. The other boys didn’t complain, but I suppose it wasn’t their place, so my boy did the advocating for them, which I promptly ignored. I hate doing that, ignoring my kid’s talkback. My dad was the same way. It didn’t help that I struggled to get both of their bikes in the trunk, and it was a pain to get them back out again. My boy sulked in the front seat on the short ride back home. Arms folded on chest, eyes staring straight ahead, that lip thing they do. He seemed embarrassed for having what he thought was an over-protective parent. I suppose he was angry at me as well for acting, as far as he knew, irrationally. Maybe he thought he was being punished for some infraction he didn’t understand.
Well, it only got worse when we got home. I told him he wasn’t allowed to go out alone on his bike anymore. I’d only had to do that once before, when he was grounded, and back then he’d known exactly what he’d done wrong and he had it coming. Now? Well, he was confused, furious, maybe betrayed, probably a little brokenhearted? I can’t blame him. He tramped upstairs to his room to await the return of his mother, who was certain to give a sympathetic ear. I can’t imagine how upset he’ll be if he checks the garage tomorrow and finds I’ve removed his tires, just in case.
I wish I could explain it to him. I don’t even know how.
Where should I even begin? The town?
When I was about my son’s age I had just seen that movie, The Goonies. It had just come out in theaters. I really liked that movie, felt a strong connection. A lot of people do, can’t blame them, sort of a timeless classic. Except I wasn’t really into pirate’s treasure or the Fratellis, what really made me connect was a simple single shot, still in the first act. It’s right after they cross the threshold, and leave the house on their adventure. It was a shot of the boys, from above, maybe a crane shot or a helicopter shot, as they’re riding their bikes down a narrow forested lane, great big evergreen trees densely growing on the side of the road, they’re all wearing raincoats and the road is still wet from recent rain.
That was my childhood. I’ve spent my whole life in the Pacific Northwest. People talk to outsiders about the rain, and they might picture a lot of rainfall, but it’s not the volume, it’s the duration. We don’t get so much rain, it just drizzles slowly, on and on, for maybe eight or nine months out of the year. It doesn’t matter where I am, inside a house, traveling far abroad, anywhere I am I can close my eyes and still smell the air on a chilly afternoon, playing outdoors with my friends.
It’s not petrichor, that sudden intense smell you get when it first starts to rain after a long dry spell. No, this was almost the opposite, a clean smell, almost the opposite of a scent, since the rain seemed to scrub the air clean. The strongest scent and I mean that in the loosest sense possible, must have been the evergreen needles. Not pine needles, those were too strong, and there weren’t that many pines anyway. Douglas fir and red cedar predominated, again the root ‘domination’ seems hyperbole. Yet those scents were there, ephemeral as it is. Also, there was a sort of pleasant dirtiness to the smell, at least when you rode bikes. It wasn’t dirt, or mud, or dust. Dust couldn’t have existed except perhaps for a few fleeting weeks in August. I think, looking back, it was the mud puddles. All the potholes in all the asphalt suburban roads would fill up after rain with water the color of chocolate milk. We’d swerve our BMX bikes, or the knock-off brands, all the way across the street just to splash through those puddles and test our “suspensions.,” meaning our ankles and knees. The smell was always stronger after that. It had an earthiness to it. Perhaps it was petrichor’s lesser-known watery cousin.
There were other sensations too, permanently seared into my brain like grill marks. A constant chilliness that was easy to ignore, until you started working up a good heart rate on your bike, then you noticed your lungs were so cold it felt like burning. The sound of your tires on the wet pavement, particularly when careening downhill at high speed. For some reason, people in the mid-80s used to like to decorate their front porches with cheap, polyester windsocks. They were often vividly colored, usually rainbow, like prototype pride flags. When an occasional wind stirred up enough to gust, the windsocks would flap, and owning to the water-soaked polyester, make a wet slapping sound. It was loud, it was distinct, but you learned to ignore it as part of the background, along with the cawing of crows and distant passing cars.
That was my perception of Farmingham as a kid. The town itself? Just a typical Pacific Northwest town. That might not mean much for younger people or modern visitors, but there was a time when such towns were all the same. They were logging towns. It was the greatest resource of the area from the late 19th century, right up until about the 80s, when the whole thing collapsed. Portland, Seattle, they had a few things going on beyond just the timber industry, but all the hundreds of little towns and small cities revolved around logging, and my town was no exception.
I remember going to the museum. It had free admission, and it was a popular field trip destination for the local school system. It used to be the City Hall, a weird Queen Anne-style construction. Imagine a big Victorian house, but blown up to absurd proportions, and with all sorts of superfluous decorations. Made out of local timber, of course. They had a hall for art, I can’t even remember why, now. Maybe they were local artists. I only remember paintings of sailboats and topless women, which was a rare sight for a kid at the time. There was a hall filled with 19th-century household artifacts. Chamber pots and weird children's toys.
Then there was the logging section, which was the bulk of the museum. It’s strange how different things seemed to be in the early days of the logging industry, despite being only about a hundred years old, from my perspective in the 1980s. If you look back a hundred years from today, in the 1920s, you had automobiles, airplanes, electrical appliances, jazz music, radio programs, flappers, it doesn’t feel that far removed, does it? No TV, no internet, but it wouldn’t be that strange. 1880s? Different world.
Imagine red cedars, so big you could have a full logging crew, arms stretched out, just barely manage to encircle one for a photographer. Felling a single tree was the work of days. Men could rest and eat their lunches in the shelter of a cut made into a trunk, and not worry for safety or room. They had to cut their own little platforms into the trees many feet off the ground, just so the trunk was a little bit thinner, and thus hours of labor saved. They used those long, flexible two-man saws. And double-bit axes. They worked in the gloom of the shade with old gas lanterns. Once cut down from massive logs thirty feet in diameter, they’d float the logs downhill in sluices, like primitive wooden make-shift water slides. Or they’d haul them down to the nearest river, the logs pulled by donkeys on corduroy roads. They’d lay large amounts of grease on the roads, so the logs would slide easily. You could still smell the grease on the old tools on display in the museum. The bigger towns had streets where the loggers would slide the logs down greased skids all the way down to the sea, where they’d float in big logjams until the mills were ready for processing. They’d call such roads “skid-rows.” Because of all the activity, they’d end up being the worst parts of town. Local citizens wouldn’t want to live there, due to all the stink and noise. They’d be on the other side of the brothels and the opium